What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. It's time for Monday's weekly tribute to crap. This film will probably have some wondering why it's making this segment just now and not weeks before. Also, considering I'll have my review of Lee Daniels' The Butler starring Academy Award winner Forest Whitaker up Wednesday, it's fitting this movie also stars Whitaker.

     

      Battlefield Earth aka Scientology: The Movie stars - wow... this movie is dog shit. Okay, so the year is 3000 and Earth has been ruled by Psychlos, a giant humanoid race of alien beings. The humans are either enslaved by the Cyclones - I mean Psychlos - or surviving in primitive tribes. Terl (John Travolta), the head security chief of whatever the fuck they're called, has been condemned to remain on Earth indefinitely for an unclear incident involving the the Senator's daughter. Who's the Senator? I don't really give a shit. With the help of his deputy Ker (Forest Whitaker), Terl cooks up a plan to buy his way off the planet making some big bucks using the slaves to mine gold for him. Meanwhile, a tribal uprising is brewing against the Psychlos. 

      Some are, understandably, wondering why this film's making this segment just now. Unless your name is John Travolta, most everyone - eh - no, I'm going with pretty much everyone else thinks this movie is akin to the massive deuce I dropped at work earlier today... except my deuce smelled way better. I remember the first time I watched this film. It was years ago, and I remember crying as I was witnessing the death - well, the second death of Travolta's career. When I recently watched it again for this post, the thought of Quentin Tarantino throwing a brick through the screen screaming, "I resurrect your fucking career and this is how you thank me?!" kept running through my mind. This film is bad, and it's so bad it actually circles around "so awesome it's orgasmic" and back to bad sixteen times before crashing and burning back on bad. It's so - I mean, Ed Wood wouldn't even be able to comprehend what the hell is going on here and he's the king of shitty films. The acting is so bad it has to be seen. Combine the performances with the bizarre makeup art consisting of bloated foreheads, lots and lots and lots of hair, and those stupid nose plugs and you get... well, I can't really describe it, but it's sorta similar to witnessing a school bus full of small children get set on fire. Yeah, it's a bit on that level of bad. You almost start to drum up conspiracy theories such as, "Wow, Forest Whitaker was so incredibly bad here, as great as he was in The Last King of Scotland, I'm beginning to think they gave him the Best Actor Oscar out of sympathy." I mean, you tend to expect John Travolta to do this. His acting career is in a way kinda like a raging alcoholic trying to put down the bottle. Yeah, he'll clean his act up and give you a Pulp Fiction or a Get Shorty, but then he's off the wagon once again with three Look Who's Talking movies. Then we have the story and I really don't know what to say. It's not shock. I literally don't know what to make of this bull shit, convoluted story. You could take Bob Dylan, stick him inside a wind tunnel while he reads Finnegan's Wake, with Tom Petty reciting "Bohemian Rhapsody" to his left and Craig Mack belting out R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" to his right and that would somehow come out more coherent than the jumbled up pile of words collected together to form what could very well be something that may or may not have been mistaken for a rational script. I can't even praise something like the cinematography. Normally, a film can be really bad... I mean, really bad, but I can at least say, "The makeup was first rate." or, "Well, in spite of the bad film it does have some terrific cinematography." Nope, not here. Even the camera work, in all its "Why the hell are all these scenes angled?!" glory can't sway me away - even in the slightest - from thinking that I'm gonna have to watch Staying Alive now to erase L. Ron Hubbard's acid trip from my memory.

Prince Avalanche

Cast of Characters:

Alvin - Paul Rudd

Lance - Emile Hirsch

Director - David Gordon Green

Screenplay - David Gordon Green

Based on the film Either Way by Hafsteinn Gunnar Sigurdsson

Rated R for some sexual content

      Paul Rudd and Emile Hirsch star together in David Gordon Green's Prince Avalanche, the American remake of the 2011 Icelandic film Either Way.

      Following a forest fire that desolated an isolated, small Texas town, highway road worker Alvin (Paul Rudd) and his girlfriend's brother Lance (Emile Hirsch) are hired to repair the area's land and roads. They paint yellow lanes on the roads and mulch gardens devastated by the fire. This goes on for days and nights.

      Due to their polar opposite personalities, we expect a conflict to eventually arise. Alvin loves the outdoors and loves his alone time away from the girlfriend ("I reap the rewards of solitude", he says). Lance couldn't be any more different. He's basically your everyday hit up the town, grab whatever babe you can find and then nail her like there's no tomorrow type of loner. He may even be "learning disabled" as Alvin writes to his girlfriend. He appears to have no interest in the great outdoors, but it seems to make him horny anyway.

      There was a time when David Gordon Green was a unique and gifted filmmaker.  Then he decided to venture into goofball stoner comedy territory by filming Pineapple Express, Your Highness, and The Sitter. Pineapple Express was just okay. I hated Your Highness, and The Sitter was somewhere in between. There's certainly nothing wrong with a goofball stoner comedy if done right (This Is the End), it's just not the right fit for Green. Scorsese's one of my favorite directors ever, but I'd never wanna see his take on Dumb and Dumber. All that considered, Prince Avalanche marks a return to form for Green, and in a way he's able to combine both his beautiful artistic side with a bit of the goofiness he tried to go for in his past three films. While there are certainly some beautifully shot images and some sharp and funny dialogue (there's a great little argument between Rudd and Hirsch about their so called "Equal Time Boombox Agreement"), this film is mostly driven by two outstanding performances from Paul Rudd and Emile Hirsch. Paul Rudd has been able to pay his bills comfortably from starring in the usual Apatow comedies we've seen over the past ten years. Here, though, he tones it down with a restrained performance that plays off Hirsch's dopey, sex crazed Lance perfectly. As for Hirsch, I've been a fan of his work before, but really only for his dramatic work (I didn't like The Girl Next Door, the closest thing to a comedy I've seen him in). To see him pull off such a quirky character as effectively as he does here was a joy to watch. The most intriguing aspect about both characters, though, was that as different as they were in personality, in a way they were similar in how sad and lonely they seemed to be deep down. Two scenes in particular really point that out. One features Lance going on about his weekend with all the highs and lows that came with it. It's a funny scene at times, but also sad when you realize Lance really has nothing else going on for him other than the hopes of "Getting some puss." The second scene features Rudd following a terrific cameo appearance by Joyce Payne (a real life survivor of the fire). He stands all alone in the midst of a house, completely destroyed by the fire, and pretends to come home to a functioning house with a family. Both scenes are really the strongest in the film and are beautiful, funny and sad all at once.

      It's not Green's best work, but it's certainly nice to see him get back to his roots with a small film such as this. Rudd and Hirsch are superb together and despite the occasional goofiness, Green has put together a beautiful film with some much needed heart and human emotion that I haven't seen in a film of his since Snow Angels. I give Prince Avalanche an A- (★★★½).

REVIEWS COMING LATER NEXT WEEK...

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!
Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week
Kick-Ass 2
Lee Daniels'  The Butler
Jobs
The World's End
You're Next 

Lovelace

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Fruitvale Station

Cast of Characters:

Oscar Grant III - Michael B. Jordan

Sophina - Melonie Diaz

Officer Caruso - Kevin Durand

Officer Ingram - Chad Michael Murray

Katie - Ahna O'Reilly

Wanda Grant - Octavia Spencer

Director - Ryan Coogler

Screenplay - Ryan Coogler

Rated R for some violence, language throughout and some drug use

      Michael B. Jordan, Melonie Diaz and Academy Award winner Octavia Spencer star in Ryan Coogler's film debut, Fruitvale Station, based on the true story of Oscar Grant III.

      The film opens with cell phone camera footage of 22 year old Oscar Grant III (Michael B. Jordan) being beaten by Bay Area Rapid Transit cops on a subway platform. Eventually a gunshot is heard.

      Prior to this event taking place, we see Oscar going about his day which will ultimately lead to his death. A year before he was serving time for drug related charges. Now he's trying to move on and better his life with his girlfriend Sophina (Melonie Diaz). He's a man worrying about paying rent and making sure he raises his daughter Tatiana the right way. He plans a birthday party for his mother Wanda (Octavia Spencer). He tries to get his job back. Having once sold dope to get by, finding out his position has been filled almost pushes him back to that point. All these events take place during one day which leads to Grant's unfortunate death on a subway platform during a New Year's Eve party with his girlfriend.

      The death of Oscar Grant III shook the Bay Area and the state of California back in 2009. Movies like this that take place not too long after the actual event happened always have to walk a fine line in terms of tastefulness. In the wrong hands we could've gotten a beat you over the head political speech or a sappy Lifetime network melodrama. Writer/director Ryan Coogler, in his film debut, strikes just the right notes here. What we get isn't quite black and white per se. This is a human story, and not just a flawed human story, but one where the main character realizes he's flawed. Oscar's not a saint, and it's not just 'cause of his past. At times he's quick to anger and wears his emotions on his sleeve. There are also moments where he's not quite truthful to his girlfriend. He realizes he's better than that though, so as flawed as he admittedly is, we care about what may or may not happen to him by the time we reach the film's climax. All of this is perfectly captured in a heartfelt and powerful performance from Michael B. Jordan. Some may remember him from TV's Friday Night Lights. He's probably best remembered as Steve Montgomery in the surprise hit Chronicle. Here he gives an Oscar worthy performance that could result in his name being mentioned in the Best Actor category once the nominations are given. It's not a flashy performance by any means, nor should it be. It's a genuine performance meant to show the final hours of Grant's everyday, normal life. There's one scene in particular between Oscar and Tatiana right before he's about to head out for the night with his girlfriend that displays Jordan's performance at its best. It turns out to be the last moment between a father and daughter. The viewer knows what's to come. The father and daughter don't.

      Could we have gotten a bit more story out of the two cops responsible for his death other than the final ten minutes? Sure. Maybe they were having a shitty day? Maybe they have control issues that result in them being complete dickheads? Who knows? We don't know much about their motivations, but this isn't their story, it's Oscar's. Some may find this hard to watch, which is understandable. It's not an easy film to watch, especially knowing what's to come for Oscar, but Coogler handles the emotional story perfectly and the performances by Jordan, Diaz and Spencer are award level. Like Michael B. Jordan, Coogler also has a career filled with potential that I look forward to seeing more of. I give Fruitvale Station an A (★★★★).   

Byzantium

Cast of Characters:

Clara Webb - Gemma Arterton

Eleanor Webb - Saoirse Ronan

Darvell - Sam Riley

Captain Ruthven - Johnny Lee Miller

Noel - Daniel Mays

Frank - Caleb Landry Jones

Director - Neil Jordan

Screenplay - Moira Buffini

Based on the play A Vampire Story by Moira Buffini

Rated R for bloody violence, sexual content and language

      Gemma Arterton and Academy Award nominee Saoirse Ronan star together in Academy Award winner Neil Jordan's return to the vampire tale, Byzantium. Smart money is on this still being a better love story than Twilight.

      Byzantium weaves in and out of the present day lives and flashbacks of mother and daughter vampires, Clara (Gemma Arterton) and Eleanor Webb (Saoirse Ronan). Their story together dates back 200 years ago during the Napoleonic Wars, when young Eleanor was abandoned by her mother Clara, who has been forced into prostitution by Captain Ruthven (Johnny Lee Miller). When a chance to achieve immortality presented itself to her, Clara obviously jumped at it. Unfortunately for her, the vampire brotherhood is strictly an elite men's club. Despite those within the brotherhood, such as Darvell (Sam Riley), sparing her life, they still exclude both her and her daughter and shun them as outcasts.

      Two centuries later, Clara and Eleanor are on the run. Eleanor tends to the elderly, using her "gift" as a way to provide them peace from their discomfort. Clara manages to make ends meet for them by stripping and hooking.  While seeking refuge in a rundown coastal resort, Clara sets her sights on the lonely Noel (Daniel Mays), who has just inherited the Byzantium Hotel, a once-thriving inn that has fallen into a sad state of disrepair. Clara turns the Byzantium into a brothel where she and her daughter can quench their thirst for human blood while maintaining a low-profile. Meanwhile, Eleanor falls for Frank (Caleb Landry Jones), a hapless yet likeable young waiter who unwittingly draws out the natural storyteller in her. Amidst a string of mysterious disappearances in the town, Frank begins to realize that Eleanor's tales are much more than dark fantasy.

      Let's see. In the past five years we've had anything to do with vampires shoved down our throats - Twilight (all five films), The Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Let the Right One In, Let Me In (The American remake), Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant, Daybreakers, and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. With a few exceptions (Daybreakers and the excellent Let the Right One In), most have been garbage. Byzantium is from Neil Jordan though, and if that name seems unfamiliar to you, he directed Interview With the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles, one of the best vampire films of the past twenty years. Jordan, whether it's a vampire film or not, always brings a tone and mood that fits perfectly within the film, and here is no exception. Whether it's Sean Bobbitt's gorgeous cinematography, Consolata Boyle's costume design or the art direction provided by Bill Crutcher and Martin Goulding, this film keeps a hold of our attention from beginning to end. Unlike other vampire stories we've seen before, this film is more in the vein of Let the Right One In, a film that focuses on characters who just happen to be vampires rather than the vampire myth itself. At the heart of the story, we have Clara and Eleanor - both different in personality and ideology - and their troubled relationship as mother and daughter that has gone on for centuries. Writer Moira Buffini, for the most part, strips away most of the folklore elements associated with vampires. There are no wooden stakes, crucifixes, garlic, sleeping in coffins, they can walk in daylight, and they don't turn others into vampires (they're transformed through an island tomb), and although elements such as the power to lure others, only entering by way of an invite and of course feasting on human blood to survive are used, that's what I enjoyed about the film. There's a realism captured within it where most of the characters find it hard to believe that Clara and Eleanor could be vampires (there's a brilliant scene concerning this involving Eleanor and a teacher that's both chilling and humorous). Like I said, this isn't about any vampire myth. This is about characters who happen to be vampires. Like any Neil Jordan film, he manages to bring out the best in his cast. To be honest, as great as Tom Cruise is as an actor, the thought of him playing a vampire doesn't even sound appealing on paper (a casting decision that novelist Anne Rice was dead set against at first). Your mind changes once you actually have seen Interview With the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles and you most certainly have to credit director Jordan for that. Here we're treated to two terrific performances from Arterton and Ronan. Ronan gives possibly one of her best performances to date as the quiet and at times sad Eleanor, and Arterton comes alive with just the right amount of cruelty, sexiness and wicked attitude for her character. Caleb Landry Jones (probably most recognizable now as Banshee in X-Men: First Class) is also great as the shy boy who Eleanor gradually warms up to. It's a beautifully awkward relationship somewhat similar to the relationship seen between Oskar and Eli in Let the Right One In.

      If there was any gripe I had about the film, it's that the ending could've been better. It's not bad, and it certainly doesn't derail the film, but a touch up on the climax wouldn't have hurt. That being said, Arterton and Ronan are perfect together, the supporting cast behind them is equally strong, Buffini's script weaves in and out from the present to flashbacks at just the right moments without throwing the viewer off, and Neil Jordan's signature visual style injects a hauntingly beautiful feel that we don't quite see anymore in this familiar story topic. As far as the vampire tale's concerned, Hollywood certainly has been beating a dead horse and milking the cow 'til there's nothing's left. It's always great though when a little film like this comes along and breathes some originality back into the genre. I give Byzantium an A- (★★★½).

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

      Hello, readers. Kick-Ass 2 opens this Friday in theaters, so this week's recommended pick will be devoted to a Jim Carrey film. I could go with The Truman Show, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Dumb and Dumber, or Mr. Popper's Penguins... Wait a minute. That damn last one always tries to sneak its way in. Get out! I decided, though, to go with the film that I believe showcases Carrey's best performance ever. If you're expecting Ace Ventura: Pet Detective you may wanna hit the back button.

      To this day, there are still people that debate whether that moment was real or staged. Man on the Moon is a comedy-drama biopic about the late entertainer Andy Kaufman. Kaufman (Jim Carrey) is a struggling performer that, due to his eccentric and unorthodox brand of stand-up comedy, fails to attract audiences. Things change when he performs his dead-on, now iconic, Elvis impersonation. Not only does it attract the audiences, it also catches the eye of talent agent George Shapiro (Danny DeVito). Shapiro signs Kaufman as a client and from there his star rises. We then see his rise from a spot as Latka Gravas on TV's Taxi (of which Kaufman actually hated), his recurring spots on Saturday Night Live, the many "staged" antics of his, all the way to his fall as a star and eventual death from a rare type of lung cancer (which many people, once again, thought was another staged antic at first).

      Every now and then we're treated to a performance that's not only great, but you literally see the performer disappear into the role. Val Kilmer did it as Jim Morrison in Oliver Stone's The Doors. Joaquin Phoenix did it as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line. Daniel Day-Lewis does it in pretty much any film he's in. Jim Carrey (who considered Kaufman a huge influence on his own stand-up style) is another example. It's certainly a risk casting an box office A-lister in an iconic role. At times the image of the performer takes over the character in the film, and you're essentially left watching a famous star doing an impersonation. Not here. Carrey literally disappears into the role and if a film like The Truman Show couldn't convince you that Carrey can indeed act, this one most definitely will. Along with Carrey, we also get three strong supporting performances from DeVito (who starred with Kaufman in Taxi), Paul Giamatti, and Courtney Love (before she turned crazy) in her second Milos Forman film (the first being 1996's The People vs. Larry Flynt). There are also a number of cameo appearances of those who have personally interacted with Kaufman such as Lorne Michaels, Christopher Lloyd, Marilu Henner, Judd Hirsch, Jeff Conaway, Jerry Lawler and David Letterman. While the story certainly takes a few historical liberties (which to be fair, the film admits), Man on the Moon stays true to the essence of Andy Kaufman. As an entertainer, he was divisive and at times left many audience members scratching their heads. He's infamously known for reading The Great Gatsby to an audience demanding some Latka moments, which at that point he was tired of doing. When moments like that show up onscreen we're left scratching our heads as well. That's the beauty of this film though. Those moments aren't meant for laughs. They're meant to place the viewer right there in with the audience. Both director Milos Forman and screenwriters Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski also end the movie with a mystery. If you knew the character that was Andy Kaufman, you'd realize the ending is rather fitting.

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. It's gonna be a packed week here, so let's kick things off first with my weekly tribute to crap. This week's pick is, of course, another Syfy channel flick. They live for moments like these.

      Lake Placid 2 opens with the disappearance of a researcher in Lake Placid. Sheriff James Riley (John Schneider), along with Emma Warner (Sarah LaFleur), a member of the Fish and Wildlife Department, go down to the lake to see what all the ruckus is. Well, it turns out that ruckus is a twenty foot crocodile that's been getting fed hormone enhanced meat by Sadie Bickerman (Cloris Leachman), the sister of Delores from Lake Placid. Shame, even the reptiles are doping these days. The crocodile, probably pissed at being the product of poorly done CGI, winds up on a feeding frenzy (in deep, booming trailer voice: "But this time... it's the humans."), and it'll be up to Clark Kent's dad himself to save the day.

      So I don't even know where to begin. For starters, the acting is downright atrocious. I literally wanted to take a gun, stick it to my temple - Okay, stop! I can't do this. I just can't. This is going nowhere, so I'm gonna bow out. Maybe someone else can handle this...

      Welcome to Lincoln County. You probably noticed there's something different here. Well, this is Lincoln County - they do things different here. Trouble's been a brewin' lately... Well, it's Lincoln, it's in a hurry, and it ain't a Duke. So whoever that fella is, he's probably up to no good. You see, Bo here's got his hands full with not just a vicious reptilian monster, but some fairly horrendous dialogue. Turns out this massively horrible special effect has a taste for topless girls with a knack for horrible acting. It ain't April fool, and I ain't got no fever, but I'm rootin' for the crocodile. It won't be easy takin' this fella down, what with Boss Bickerman standing in the way. She's a nasty old bitch, but you can't blame her. She's won an Oscar and so many doggone Emmy Awards she's now at that point in her career where she just says, "Fuck it. What you payin' me?" Meanwhile, that croc is just tearing up through every token douchebag boyfriend, topless hussy and blubbering sidekick so fast, you'll plum shit yourself when you come to find that there colored fella actually made it through three-fourths of the film. Hee-hee, yep, the hen-house is empty. The croc is lickin' off chicken feathers and Duke's goose is about to be cooked. Good thing this film's riddled with so many contrivances and plot holes he can just hide inside one of them. So, you see, that's the way it goes in Lincoln. Where a Duke will perform so badly you'll almost forget he was on a smash hit TV show based on the most iconic superhero of all-time. That's plum typical of the Dukes of Lincoln. Too bad Luke was too busy getting cast in a Quentin Tarantino film to give you a hand, Bo.