Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

      Hello, readers. James Wan's Insidious: Chapter 2 opens nationwide Friday, so this week's pick will be devoted to Insidious star Patrick Wilson. I was close to going with Watchmen but ultimately decided to go with a lesser known pick starring Wilson and two Oscar winning ladies, one being my personal favorite.

  

      In Little Children, Sarah Pierce (Kate Winslet) is a suburban outsider who, after long days at the local community pool with her child, soon becomes acquainted with local husband and father Brad (Patrick Wilson) - who seems to share in her seething discontentment with life in their quaint commuter town. An English literature major who never imagined a fate as a soccer mom, Sarah has a growing dissatisfaction with her successful husband that parallels Brad's increasing frustration with his inability to pass the bar and connect with his wife Kathy (Jennifer Connelly), a successful documentary filmmaker. It's not long before the dejected pair is meeting for a series of illicit afternoon trysts as their unsuspecting spouses work and their children lie quietly napping. Meanwhile, the community is riled by the return of convicted sex offender Ronald James McGorvey (Jackie Earle Haley) who leaves the concerned parents scrambling to protect their young ones.

      A movie like this, in the hands of the wrong director and writer, can wind up as pretentious, melodramatic crap. However, co-writer/director Todd Fields (with screenplay help from Little Children author Tom Perrotta), having co-wrote and directed the fantastic In the Bedroom, is no stranger to taking seemingly normal suburban families and turning their lives upside-down. Here Fields's direction is once again spot on, providing us with so much in spite of very little dialogue at times. What Fields has done has taken characters we wanna like and made them rather unlikeable, almost despicable at times. At the same time, we also get a child molester, superbly acted by Jackie Earle Haley (who also starred with Wilson in Watchmen) in a comeback role, that we wanna despise, yet can't help but feel sympathy for. It's more than a tricky task trying to make a child molester role appear sympathetic, but Haley, under the direction of Fields, pulls it off. It's not that we sympathize for the man. We sympathize what he's going through - a man trying to move on from his dark past - and even what his own mother has to put up with. Overall, Little Children is an often times satirical look at hypocrisy within a suburban community. Sarah and Brad and all the superficial soccer moms can point their fingers and demonize McGorvey all day. To be fair, if you're a parent, can you blame them? When Sarah and Brad are behind closed doors, though, and making up for their own loveless marriages by banging each other - while their own children are in the room next to them - you realize they're not without sin either. Oh, far from it. This isn't quite on the level that another suburban mid-life crisis film before it, American Beauty, is. That being said, it's still a damn good film, with an all-around fantastic cast, that takes a look at the lives of those that seem happy and normal, but are just as empty and sad as the very people they look down upon.

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. Today you're in for a special treat. I'm gonna bypass the typical monster-fest crap that usually graces these posts, and devote this week's crap pick to what many people consider to be the worst film ever made... and after watching it last night, yeah, I'm gonna jump on that bandwagon. You have been warned... You have all been warned.

      The Room centers on three people... and about ten more that make absolutely no sense as to why they're there. Speaking of which, I bought a bacon and cheese Quarter Pounder today at McDonald's. So Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) is engaged to Lisa (Juliette Danielle). Did you know that I play four instruments? Yeah, I do. The downside, though, is that Lisa's attracted to Johnny's best friend Mark (Greg Sestero); however, I bought the new Doritos Locos Taco chips and - oh my God - they are so good! Lisa's mother advises her to do the right thing (marry Johnny for his money). That being said, I'm really gonna have to get the CD player installed in my car soon... Oh, hi, Mark. I didn't notice you were sitting right in front of me this whole time.

      You're probably wondering if I dropped acid before typing, and the answer is no. You have officially gotten, courtesy of me, the CliffsNotes version of just what the hell this movie actually is. In a way, it reminded me of when I was in junior/senior high and coming up with a ton of movie script ideas - most of them shitty horror ones - and then all of sudden I'm like, "Okay, stop! I'm gonna make an intense drama centered on my high school friends! Yeah!" What results is a cheesy, overly melodramatic mess written by a fourteen year old who near the end of writing it goes, "Fuck it. I'm throwing a monster in there anyway." I'm gonna rundown for you every writing error, inconsistency, plot hole and head scratching moment this film provided. As Margo Channing would say, "Fasten your seat belts... It's gonna be a bumpy night."

      1) What exactly is The Room?

      2) No one, and I mean no one, knows how to have sex right. Either they missed Biology class, and (or) their parents completely dropped the ball on explaining the birds and the bees, but in the world of The Room, human copulation can be achieved by way of either the naval, hip and ironically anywhere that's not a vagina.

      3) Seriously, what the fuck is up with Johnny's accent? It's like Christopher Walken and John Travolta had a baby that survived a botched abortion. At first, I wondered if he was really trying to do a very, very, very, very horrible accent for the movie... Then I looked up some interviews and, nope, he actually sounds like that.

      4) Every time Mark is about to have sex with Lisa, he has to remind her, "No, I can't. Johnny's my best friend." - even after getting into a huge friendship ending fight with Johnny near the end. Could be guilt, or it could be a severe case of short-term memory loss... or it could just be shitty writing. Smart money's on the latter.

      5) If you turn any moment whenever Johnny laughs, says hi, or a football gets thrown into a drinking game, you not only will develop a drinking problem, you will die of liver poisoning halfway through the film.

      6) The football is literally the best actor in this movie.

      7) When we first meet Lisa's mother, she mentions in passing that her tests reveal she does, in fact, have breast cancer, and that's the last we hear of it. Hey, I hate crying over spilled milk too, and what's the point of bringing up the nitpicky things over and over again, but wouldn't something like breast cancer be just a little bit higher up on the alert scale?

      8) There's a moment where Denny, the young college kid that Johnny acts as a guardian for, explains to Johnny that he's in love with Lisa. It's not Johnny's nonchalant "oh, that's cool" reaction that left me with question marks over my head, it's when Denny then changes gears and mentions he's in love with some other girl and wants to have children with her that does. It's also not weird to Johnny that Denny likes to watch him and Lisa have sex.

      9) Denny somehow owes drug money to a guy that threatens to kill him. Johnny and Mark show up, escort the guy away, and we never see him again. Did they take him to jail or what? If so, is the jail like next door to the room, 'cause Johnny and Mark show up again in what seems like seconds. Oh, and nothing is ever brought up about Denny's apparent drug problem again.

      10) The editing in this film is so bad I'm wondering how the hell Eric Chase is still getting work even if it's for shitty low-budget horror films.

      11) Seriously, no one in this film knows how to have sex.

      12) Seriously, the football has a better chance at scoring an Oscar nomination than any other performer in this movie.

      13) It just dawned on me that Lisa's mother's breast cancer probably refused to show back up again in this pile of shit.

      14) A couple just shows up randomly at Johnny's house just to fool around.

      15) Yes, that really does happen.

      16) That same guy then explains to Johnny that he experienced a tragedy when his girlfriend exposed his underwear. How does it relate to the movie? Well, how does anything in this film relate to the movie?! I can see it now. "History Channel presents the greatest tragedies in world history: 5) Pearl Harbor... 4) 9/11... 3) The Bubonic Plague... 2) The Holocaust... 1) Mike has his underwear exposed."

      17) Lisa explains to her mom that she not only no longer loves Johnny, she doesn't even like him. She then explains to her mom in the next scene that Johnny is a very generous and caring man... ????????

      18) For being such a slut, Lisa is terrible in bed... just like everyone else.

      19) So there's a character named Peter that shows up to give advice 'cause he's the psychologist friend, which annoys Johnny 'cause Peter's "always playing psychologist with us", even though he is a psychologist. Then we get him in two other scenes and that's that. 

      20) Mark tries to murder Peter in one scene while high on weed... Yep. Why this is happening is a good question, but an even bigger question to ask is if smoking weed really leads to fits of rage. 

      21) Despite trying to murder Peter, Mark just brushes it off with a calm "sorry". I guess sometimes sorry does cut it... even if it's for attempted murder.

      22) The guys play football in their wedding tuxes. Is it the wedding? No, but I guess Wiseau wanted a scene with them playing football in tuxes... Yeah, your guess is as good as mine. That's the last we ever see of Peter... Oh my God... Maybe Mark did murder him?

      23) The very next scene involves Johnny and Mark at a coffee shop where Johnny, after lecturing Mark that his business clients are a confidential matter, asks Mark how his sex life's going. Sounds reasonable.

      24) After a while, some other guy shows up just advising Lisa out of the blue like I'm supposed to already know who the fuck he really is. Turns out, that guy is Peter re-cast, and Wiseau either forgot or was just too lazy to re-shoot the other scenes. He probably thought it'll make much more sense if the character gets renamed... No.

      25) And to think this film could've definitely had a shot at "Benjamin's Stash" if only Wiseau re-shot those scenes. So much for your shot at an A+ !!!!

      26) Pretty much none of the dialogue made any sense. Whether it's the random characters, nonsensical story transitions, and "Hey, who are they and how the hell did they get here?" moments, you will scratch the hair clean off your scalp. Inception and The Matrix now make total sense.

      27) At the end of the movie, Lisa leaves Johnny for Mark, which leads to Johnny blowing his brains out... but not before what looks like him dry humping one of Lisa's dresses. That thirty seconds right there, though, made more sense than the rest of the movie did.

      28) Lisa and Mark return to a dead Johnny - who, keep in mind, has just recently STUCK A GUN IN HIS MOUTH AND BLEW HIS BRAINS OUT!!!! - and they still somehow say, "Hey, Johnny, wake up!" It actually takes Mark sticking his hand underneath Johnny's blasted away head, rubbing his fingers around in some blood, pulling the hand back out and then studying his blood covered hand intently to decide that maybe he's not getting up. The blood means he's dead, dipshit.

      I haven't even scratched the surface of this film, but I figure you'd get the picture anyway. This film is so all-around bad in every single aspect (acting, writing, directing, editing, cinematography, even the caterers probably fucked up somewhere too) you have to witness it. In fact, this needs to be shown in every film and writing course across America on what not to do. Unfortunately, Netflix doesn't have it in instant queue. However, if you go to Family Video, walk up to the entrance, then take a right at the entrance, walk around the building, then walk right up to the dumpster, you may find the remaining copies there. Plus, they might take pity on you so much they go, "Yeah, this one's on us."

Riddick

Cast of Characters:

Richard B. Riddick - Vin Diesel

Santana - Jordi Molla

Boss Johns - Matt Noble

Dahl - Katee Sackhoff

Diaz - Dave Bautista

Moss - Bokeem Woodbine

Lockspur - Raoul Trujillo

Vaako - Karl Urban

Director - David Twohy

Screenplay - David Twohy

Rated R for strong violence, language and some sexual content/nudity

      Vin Diesel straps on the goggles one more time in the third installment based on Richard B. Riddick, Riddick. Good news is, you can only go up from The Chronicles of Riddick.

      Riddick opens with a badly wounded Richard B. Riddick (Vin Diesel) stranded on a deserted planet. Prior to this, we learn, through flashbacks that begin at the end of The Chronicles of Riddick, that Riddick has grown tired of his place as Lord Marshall of the Necromongers and wants to return back to his home on Furya. He strikes a deal with Commander Vaako (Karl Urban) where he hands over the title of Lord Marshall in return for a ship that will take him back home. However, he soon realizes that he has been set up and is soon left for dead.

      Managing to survive, particularly from some nasty looking scorpions from hell, Riddick takes shelter in an abandoned communication station. Noticing a massive series of storms coming, he activates the emergency beacon which broadcasts his identity. Unfortunately for him, the broadcast is received by two teams of bounty hunters, one led by the cocky Santana (Jordi Molla), the other by Boss Johns (Matt Noble). Both teams won't let Riddick off easily, but for different reasons. Santana wants him dead considering the bounty is doubled if Riddick is brought back dead. Boss Johns's reason is more personal as he is the father of William Johns (from Pitch Black, the first film in the series) and wants to know the full story of what happened to his child. As the storms approach closer, though, they realize that Riddick may be their only hope for getting out alive.

      While the Riddick series certainly has a devoted fanbase, I'm in no way one of them. Pitch Black was by no means bad, just okay; however, The Chronicles of Riddick was a bloated mess of a story that I absolutely hated. Like I said at the beginning, you can only go up from the last film in the series and Riddick is able to do just that. Unlike its predecessor, writer/director David Twohy wisely keeps it simple and strictly to the basics. What we get is an action film that, while dull at times, is somewhat effective, and even when we do flashback, for just a moment, to the dreaded territory that is The Chronicles of Riddick (where Karl Urban shows up for five seconds 'cause I'm assuming Star Trek doesn't pay him that much), it makes sense. The problem with this film is the same problem Twohy has run into with the previous films of the series: pacing. It just isn't Twohy's forte. The first twenty minutes where Riddick's fighting to survive alongside his pet Hyena looking dog and kicking the asses of these part Cobra hissing, part scorpion, part whatever the hell you'd call the rest of it creatures was actually entertaining. It's when the bounty hunters show up, where you'd think it would really start to pick up, where the film begins to slow itself down and drag a bit. I'm nowhere near ADD; in fact, you're reading the thoughts of one of Terrence Malick's biggest admirers and he's a Ritalin junkie's worst nightmare. Even I, though, was twitching for some pills through the middle act. There are a few clever kills and some funny banter from Diesel that works. For the most part, though, I found myself, more often than not, looking at the clock on my phone thinking, "Okay, let's pick it up." and it's not until the final act where the film gets back on track.

      Despite the pacing issues and the cheesy ending, Riddick is still quite an improvement over the pretentious last film in the series and is worth a rental. The straightforward story and the fact that it never takes itself too seriously benefits the film and I easily found myself more entertained here than any of the other Riddick films. It's not perfect, but I wasn't expecting it to be, and at least this time I didn't barge out of the theater demanding my money back. I give Riddick a C+ (★★½).

REVIEWS COMING LATER NEXT WEEK...

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

Ain't Them Bodies Saints

Blue Jasmine

The Spectacular Now

Touchy Feely

Insidious: Chapter 2  

Hell Baby

Cast of Characters:

Jack Watson - Rob Corddry

Vanessa Watson - Leslie Bibb

F'Resnel - Keegan-Michael Key

Marjorie - Riki Lindhome

Mickey - Rob Huebel

Ron - Paul Scheer

Father Sebastian - Robert Ben Garant

Father Padrigo - Thomas Lennon

Dr. Michael Marshall - Michael Ian Black

Cable Guy - Kumail Nanjiani

Rental Car Guy - Dave Holmes

Director - Robert Ben Garant & Thomas Lennon

Screenplay - Robert Ben Garant & Thomas Lennon

Rated R for bloody violence, graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use

      Rob Corddry, Leslie Bibb and Keegan-Michael Key star in the horror spoof brought to you from the creators of Reno 911!, Hell Baby.

      Jack (Rob Corddry) and Vanessa Watson (Leslie Bibb) are a happily married couple expecting their first child. Upon moving into their new rundown New Orleans starter home, they soon realize that something wicked this way comes. Their neighbor F'Resnel (Keegan-Michael Key), who happens to be living in their crawl space, informs them that this house has been the scene of multiple murders and has been given many dreadfully fitting nicknames by the locals.

      Things taken an even bigger turn for the worse when Vanessa begins exhibiting odd behaviors such as smoking, drinking paint thinner and communicating with a creepy Rottweiler that makes itself at home in their yard. Her sister Marjorie (Riki Lindhome) performing a house cleansing only makes things worse. When it's decided that Vanessa, in fact, doesn't need a doctor but a priest, the Vatican sends Fathers Sebastian (Robert Ben Garant) and Padrigo (Thomas Lennon) to fight the 6 lb. 6oz. evil lurking inside her belly.

      Oh, September! Like January, you rear your ugly head at us and prove when it comes to taking out the garbage for film, you two go all out. While at first there are a few laughs, courtesy of Corddry and Bibb, as the movie progresses, the story gets worse and worse, adding more characters and jokes that overstay their welcome. It suffers from what I like to refer to as "Family Guy-itis" Family Guy-itis is essentially a joke that should only last about five seconds, and to be honest, isn't really that funny to begin with and yet they beat that dead horse for what feels like forever. One so called joke in particular involving reactions to food (oh, yeah, that's hysterical) gets resurrected at least two more times just so they can beat that horse dead again and again. It's not funny the first time, so why do you insist on going back to it as if I'm gonna come around and go, "Okay, now I get it." when I'm actually thinking, "Okay, I get it! Move on!". Keegan-Michael Key, who has created some decent laughs on the Comedy Central show Key & Peele, really has no purpose in this movie other than being the guy that just shows up unexpectedly to startle Corddry. Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer (from FX's The League) are in the same boat as two cops that should only show up for the investigation scenes, but somehow squeeze their way into more jokes that go nowhere from the moment they start. Finally, we have Garant and Lennon as the two priests. It's certainly not the exaggerated accents that wear on your nerves, it's the repetitive way they go about their little bits ("So gross..." "So gross..." "So very gross..." "Yes, so very gross...") that do. Overall, Hell Baby comes off as a story I would've written back in junior/senior high where I cram in as many juvenile and long-winded jokes that amount to nothing for the story, but my friends and I find them absolutely hysterical... No one else does, but hey, at least I'm getting a laugh, right?

      There's certainly a target audience for this. If Scary Movie V can somehow drum up $77 million in box office revenue ($57 million more than their budget), I'd like to think this can do the same. That's not to say Hell Baby is all that better. Both Garant and Lennon achieved success on Comedy Central with their effective COPS parody Reno 911!. It's unfortunate that, aside from the box office success of the Night At the Museum films, their film career (Taxi, Herbie: Fully Loaded, The Pacifier, Let's Go to Prison, and Balls of Fury) hasn't been anywhere near as successful and this film certainly won't help alleviate that misfortune. I give Hell Baby a D- (½★).

Adore

Cast of Characters:

Lil - Naomi Watts

Roz - Robin Wright

Ian - Xavier Samuel

Tom - James Frecheville

Hannah - Sophie Lowe

Mary - Jessica Tovey

Harold - Ben Mendelsohn

Director - Anne Fontaine

Screenplay - Christopher Hampton

Based on the novel The Grandmothers by Doris Lessing

Rated R for sexual content and language

      Academy Award nominees Naomi Watts and Robin Wright get their cougar on in Adore. Man, being in a strictly physical relationship with them clearly must've sucked for those two boys.

      In New South Wales, Roz (Robin Wright), her husband Harold (Ben Mendelsohn) and their son Tom (James Frecheville) live near the beach. Lil (Naomi Watts), a widow who has been lifelong friends with Roz, lives nearby with her son Ian (Xavier Samuel). Like their mothers, Tom and Ian are also best friends. Harold applies for and is offered a job in Sydney without telling Roz, expecting her to move to Sydney with him. Roz is naturally hesitant as she has lived where she is her whole life and finds the sudden change rather unexpected.

      Things grow more complicated the moment Roz starts a sexual relationship with Ian. Upon discovering this, Tom takes revenge by initiating a sexual relationship with Lil. At first there's a little bit of tension between the mothers and their sons, but the more they continue on with their relationships, the harder they find it to stop.

      Obviously, a film dealing with this type of subject matter - two mothers involved in a sexual relationship with each other's son - has to be handled just right. In the hands of a great writer it could have, but here the writing winds up being the weakest element of the film. It's not just the dialogue, which at times is almost cringeworthy ("They're like... gods!"), it's the way writer Christopher Hampton handles the outcome of this delicate situation. While, to be fair, Hampton and director Anne Fontaine don't completely let the characters off the hook (something The Lifeguard, involving a thirty year old girl with a sixteen year old high schooler, completely failed to do) the moments that require the most tension just wind up flat. You would think that upon finding out about each other, the two mothers' first conversation would be just a tad bit more heated than what we get, which boils down to, "Well, it seems weird... but I don't wanna stop." "Yep, neither do I." "Well, okay then." I mean, the thought of one of my closest friends hooking up with my mom makes me wanna black out into a seizure, and on the flip side, if I had a daughter hooking up with one of my closest friends, I'd wanna blow his brains out. Then again you wonder how exactly can the mothers switch on into "Mama Bear" mode anyway when it seems that their relationship here with their own sons tend to come off just as playful. I'm not saying beat them over the head with the preaching hammer, but a little bit more tension and passion than what we get not only would've benefited the film, it would've seemed more realistic. We do eventually get a climatic turning point moment near the end that makes the viewer go "Yeah, they should've pulled the plug there." However, it's basically reduced to one scene and leads to a consequence that come the final shot of the film made me wonder if they even cared about what just happened.

      It's a shame that such a talented cast is wasted on such a weak script as this one. Naomi Watts is one of my personal favorite actresses (if you haven't seen 2012's The Impossible, do so) and she, along with Wright and the underrated character actor Ben Mendelsohn (who has the strongest moments of the film whenever he's onscreen), sell it as best as they can. It's quite a tricky feat to do when you're dealing with some hokey dialogue at times. That said, not even those three, as good as they are here, can save this film entirely. When you're dealing with a complicated situation like what you have here, you want something more than the simplistic and absurd way Hampton handles these characters. I give Adore a C- (★★).

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

      Hello, readers. Riddick opens this Friday in theaters, so this week's pick will be devoted to a Vin Diesel film out of my collection... Wait... what? Rewind that... noitcelloc ym fo tuo mlif leseiD niV a ot detoved eb lliw kcip s'keew siht... this week's pick will be devoted to a Vin Diesel film out of my collection. Yep, granted, choosing which film to pick was rather easy. It's essentially two films, and I decided not to go with Saving Private Ryan since he's hardly in it. I decided to go with the other, a film that fell way under the radar in comparison to his other films. Sorry, Fast & Furious fans. It's not your day.

      Find Me Guilty is based on the true story of the longest Mafia trial in American history, The United States vs. Anthony Accetturo et al. Mobster Jackie DiNorscio (Vin Diesel) is already serving a thirty year prison sentence when he is offered a reduced sentence from district attorney Sean Kierney (Linus Roache) in exchange for DiNorscio's testimony against the Lucchese family. Jackie turns down the offer though, stating that he is not a rat. Instead, DiNorscio decides to defend himself in court when he is implicated along with the other mobsters, despite having absolutely no legal background or knowledge of how to proceed in court.

      Obviously, I'm not a Vin Diesel fan. I mean, who really gets a kick out of seeing him play the same low-mumbling hulk we see him as film after film after film? That said, every movie gets a fair shot, and this really showed me that in the right role, with the right script and director, Diesel can deliver a strong performance. It's really an entertaining performance and one that separates itself from anything else Diesel has done before. DiNorscio is quite an interesting character. From a legal standpoint, he hasn't the slightest clue. If only he had known that "A man that defends himself has a fool for a client". He irritates the lawyers, the witnesses, the defendants and the judge, but boy does he charm the hell out of the jury. In some ways, you could argue that being a pretty solid strategy. The film's greatest strength, though, was the man behind the camera - Sidney Lumet. Last week, another film of his, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, made it on this segment. If you've ever seen 12 Angry Men (easily a top 3 film of Lumet's, if not his best ever) Serpico, or The Verdict, Lumet knew courtroom drama better than anyone else and always brought out the best in his cast. Who better to bring so much potential out of Diesel better than one of the greatest directors to have ever lived? Along with Vin Diesel, there's an equally strong supporting cast featuring Linus Roache, Peter Dinklage, Annabella Sciorra (who shares a great moment with Diesel), and the late, underrated actor Ron Silver. It's not a tense and exciting courtroom drama like A Few Good Men, but it's not meant to be either. What we see is absurdity, which is the film's intention, and it results in an entertaining time for the viewer.

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. Happy Labor Day to you all. Hope you're having a safe and fun holiday weekend.  Today's crap-fest pick was supposed to be last week's, but my DVR deleted the recording before I could get around to seeing it. Could be a sign it was looking out for me, who knows? Anyway, I finally got around to seeing it. If you all gather around the barrel and look straight down, all the way to the very bottom, you'll find it there.

      Ghost Shark... is exactly that. After a Great White shark attacks a fisherman's boat and eats one of the fishermen, the remaining two survivors on board shoot the shark dead. Its body sinks to the bottom of an underwater cave where it magically is resurrected as a ghost. How and why exactly? I could care less, but the screenwriters, I'm sure, tried their damn best to squeak out a passable origin story by simply squatting over some paper. So the shark is now a ghost and that means if you're anywhere near water, you're dead. Going swimming in the lake? Dead. Going swimming in your pool? Dead. Slip and slide? Dead! Taking a shower? Dead! Drinking a glass of water?! Dead! Brushing your teeth?! Yep... dead! Doing the dishes or washing your car?! Well, your responsible behavior is admirable... but you're dead. It'll be up to four young over-acting individuals - Ruthie Camden (Mackenzie Rosman), her sister (Sloane Coe), the token good guy that wants to bed both of them (Dave Davis)... and the black guy (Jaren Mitchell) - as well as the typical police force that doesn't believe any of the rational explanations coming out of those kids's mouths and the cliche drunk lighthouse keeper (Richard Moll) - who, if this was an episode of Scooby Doo, would be the villain - to save the day. Three things I wanna point out. Firstly, shame on you police... Chief Brody would definitely have believed them. Secondly, shame on you writer Paul A. Birkett. You should know by now that Great Whites are not freshwater fish. Terrible scientific blunder on your part and I always expected better from Syfy. Thirdly... holy hell... Is that Bull Shannon? Dude, hit it!

Bull Shannon: "All rise."

(Audience applauds and cheers as Judge Harry Stone enters the room)

Judge Harry Stone: "Well, Mac, what do we have today?"

Mac Robinson: "We got a good one. Man by the name of Paul A. Birkett, getting sued by the Great White shark community for defamation of character."

Bull Shannon: "How do you poop on someone's character?"

Judge Harry Stone: "That's defecate, Bull."

(Audience laughs as Bull chuckles a bit)

Bull Shannon: "Ohh-kay."

Judge Harry Stone: "Will the Counsel please approach the bench."

Christine Sullivan: "Your Honor, my client here, Mr. Birkett, pleads not guilty. Freedom of speech, this is an open and shut..."

Judge Harry Stone: "Uh - Christine, where's Dan?"

Christine Sullivan: "You kidding me? You're surprised at Dan's lack of punctuality? Please, that boorish, misogynistic pig is probably out in the parking lot getting a handy."

(Audience applauds and cheers as Dan Fielding runs through the entrance)

Dan Fielding: "Sorry, I'm late! Sorry, I'm late, everybody! I'm here. I was just getting a handy out in the parking lot."

(Audience roars in laughter)

Dan Fielding: "Your Honor, Mr. Birkett is just one of many culprits at Syfy that have, for years, been known for their rather immature depictions of the majestic Great White shark. Ghost Shark is just the tip of the iceberg. There's also Sharknado, Sharktopus, Shark in Venice, Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy, 2-Headed Shark Attack, and who could forget Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus. See a pattern here? It's all horse shit, and to be honest, none of this would've ever come about if it wasn't for that slimy son of a bitch Spielberg first giving sharks a bad name in Jaws!"

Christine Sullivan: "Weren't you in those Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies?"

Dan Fielding: "Hey, the first one is hailed as a horror classic!"

Christine Sullivan: "True, but explain the needless remake and its prequel."

Dan Fielding: "I was just the narrator. That hardly counts!"

Christine Sullivan: "Demon Knight?"

Dan Fielding: "That doesn't count! I went uncredited for a reason."

Christine Sullivan: "Beethoven's 5th?"

(pause)

Dan Fielding: "Okay, you got me there, but I was in Oliver Stone's JFK. You hear me?! JF-fucking-K!"

Christine Sullivan: "Yeah... in a part hardly anyone remembers."

(Audience laughs as there's a pause)

Dan Fielding: "What color panties you wearing?" 

Judge Harry Stone: "Okay, Counsel, we're getting a bit sidetracked here. Dan, do you have an evidence to present the court?"
Dan Fielding: "Why, yes, I do. Exhibit A - we have an incoherent, nonsensical script that appears to serve no purpose other than to see how many different ways a translucent fish can hop out of a puddle and bite a person in half. A brain-dead monkey stoned out of his mind - or lack thereof I should say - could write a story better than this shit."
Christine Sullivan: "Objection, your Honor. Mr. Fielding's argument serves no purpose other than to belittle my client!"
Dan Fielding: "You're so sexy when you're angry."
(Harry's flipping through the script)
Judge Harry Stone: "Sustained... Although, I do see your point, Dan. This is really - just... wow. They're really scraping right through the bottom of that barrel for anything now... Bull, just what the hell did you see in this?"
Bull Shannon: "Well, sir, I just wanted the paycheck."
Judge Harry Stone: "Well, no shit, but you seriously better start taking back all the shit you gave me for doing Mother Goose Rock 'n' Rhyme."

Dan Fielding: "Long story short, your Honor, Syfy has become desperate for ratings. So desperate they make two - I repeat, two, killer shark films within the span of two months."
Christine Sullivan: "Your Honor, if Mr. Fielding spent as much time researching this case as he does staring at my chest - eyes up here, Dan! - he'd know that my client, Mr. Burkett, has broken no laws. He followed the Syfy network bylaws by making sure the film included at least one former young TV star and one former washed up star from the 80's... No offense, Bull."
(Audience laughs as Bull slaps his hand against his forehead)

Judge Harry Stone: "Mr. Birkett, do you have anything to add?"

Paul A. Birkett: "I understand Ghost Shark is an acquired taste... but it's certainly better than having to put up with something like - I don't know - that Mel Torme horse shit."

Judge Harry Stone: "Did you just say Mel Torme?"

Paul A. Birkett: "Yeah, what about him? He's a horrendous blight on American culture. He'll never touch Barry Manilow."

Mac Robinson: "Oooooh, Harry, someone's stepped in some deep dog shit now."

Judge Harry Stone: "Okay, Mr. Birkett, I find you guilty and sentence you to one ass kicking, courtesy of me, out back and a fine of two black eyes and your teeth smashed into the back of your skull by way of my fist, all while I croon away to 'Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire'."
(Audience applauds as Harry gets up from his bench and rolls his robe sleeves up while Bull begins to drag Paul A. Birkett out the door)