What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. I decided to create a new segment of which its inspiration came after borrowing a movie from a friend of mine. He's an avid collector of horror movies and that's including as he puts it "the really crappy ones". So I took this certain film home and gave it a watch. That's when I thought, you know, I do a weekly segment on movies I own that I recommend for viewing. If I have a segment on films that are worth watching, why not have a segment on the exact opposite? I'm not talking about movies that are just bad. You don't waste your time with a movie that's just bad. I'm talking about movies that are so bad, it's comparable to driving by a bloody car wreck. You know you can't help but look. So from here on, every Monday, I'll devote a segment to those films that have straight to DVD and into the Wal-Mart checkout lanes down to a perfection in "What the Hell Were They Thinking?!"

      Mothman begins in Point Pleasant, West Virginia (the origin of the "Mothman" urban legend), with a group of teenage friends at a swimming party. The group pulls a prank on one of the friends that accidentally kills him. Naturally, the group makes the most rational choice by smashing his face in with a rock to leave him unidentifiable and then dumping him in the river. After all, when you can't come up with any good ideas of your own, why not rip off another shitty horror film in I Know What You Did Last Summer? Anyway, ten years go by and one out of the group, Katherine Grant (Jewel Staite), has moved on from the incident and Point Pleasant and now resides as a journalist in Washington, D.C. That means one thing, and one thing only. Her editor, in a nice touch of fresh originality from the writers, is coincidentally wanting a piece on the Mothman and who better to do a story on Mothman than someone who came out of Point Pleasant, Katherine? Of course, she doesn't wanna go back at first, but as we all know, emotional scarring from traumatic events in our lives is overrated anyway. So she heads back home and reconnects with some friends, and then the Mothman shows up every now and then. In a surprising twist, the friends start to die one by one. Then we get the token wise, old guy that comes along and warns the youngsters about the urban legend. Of course, he's blind too - as well as an ornery son of a bitch - 'cause those type of characters absolutely have to have some sort of physical handicap and I guess the writers felt it'd be too cliche to have him in a wheelchair and you most definitely don't wanna be cliche. That's for those shoddily written piles of crap inferior filmmakers pass off as films.

      This makes the Richard Gere 2002 film, The Mothman Prophecies - as flawed as it was - appear comparable to The Exorcist. You catch the Industrial Light & Magic worthy special effects in the clip I played? You know, the one with the other token character - the typical smart ass that probably wouldn't shoot his mouth off as much if Mothman yanked that shotgun out of his hand and crammed it up his ass sideways? I don't even think effects like those could appear first rate to an LSD junkie. Hell, I could pull off better work on Windows Movie Maker. I've also seen more moving performance work from kindergarteners in school program plays. While watching this movie, I saw Jewel Staite and thought, boy, does she look familiar. That's when I remembered. There was a show a while back, I believe I was in Jr. High at the time, called Flash Forward on the Disney Channel. It starred both her and an unknown at the time named Ben Foster. Foster's career really took a turn for the worse as he ended up starring in such critically acclaimed drivel as Alpha Dog, Hostage, The Punisher, Rampart, and The Messenger - which in particular really stunk its way to a career performance from Foster as well as two Oscar nominations. His co-star, Jewel Staite, gets Mothman. This truly is a horrendous piece of garbage, but one - mind you - that's so superbly bad you almost have to wonder if that was the filmmakers' intention. Who are we kidding? I don't think they intended shit. The movie just sucks. That being said, with movies like this, they're so bad, you really have to watch it once just to see how bad it is. It's just like the car crash scenario I brought up earlier, except here you won't get angry looks from those actually helping the victims wondering to themselves, "Who's the morbid dickhead just standing there looking?" I'm not sure if Redbox has it available. Judging from a lot of its content, this is almost too perfect for Netflix Instant Queue. If you don't have Netflix, you may get lucky at your nearby Family Video. Flicks like these are destined for the "Two for a Buck!" section. Of course, priced any higher, and the video joint is - well, pardon my French - clearly fucking you over. If you really hit the Mega Millions Jackpot, you run across it on TV for free since it was made by the SyFy Channel... Who knew?

Trance

Cast of Characters:
Simon - James McAvoy
Franck - Vincent Cassel
Elizabeth - Rosario Dawson

Director - Danny Boyle
Screenplay - Joe Ahearne & John Hodge
Rated R for sexual content, graphic nudity, violence, some grizzly images and language

      From Shallow Grave to Trainspotting to the Academy Award winning Slumdog Millionaire, Oscar winning director Danny Boyle has proven himself to be one of the most unique and engaging filmmakers of his era. His new film for 2013, Trance, is now open.

      Simon (James McAvoy) is an assistant auctioneer at a London auction house. On the day they are auctioning off their most valuable item - Francisco Goya's masterpiece "Witches in the Air" - the place is robbed at gunpoint. Simon takes the painting and heads to the basement vault to protect the item, but is soon intercepted by lead robber Franck (Vincent Cassel). Franck knocks Simon unconscious and takes the painting. To his surprise though, he finds out - once opening the case - that the painting is gone.

      Franck needs Simon's help to relocate the painting, but being knocked out caused Simon to lose the memory of where he hid the painting and why he hid it. Franck eventually tries to use hypnosis to bring the location out of Simon. Simon chooses hypnotist Elizabeth (Rosario Dawson) to help him.

      This is a film filled with twists and turns throughout. It's sharp, at times funny, but most importantly, it's very entertaining. Although there are really no standout performances, the three leads (McAvoy, Cassel, and Dawson) are all solid in their roles. The writing at times may seem a bit thin, but the twists and turns within the story make up for it. I know there will be quite a few viewers frustrated by the non-stop twist after twist, yet as convoluted as the plot may be, I believe it was writers Joe Ahearne and John Hodge's full intention, as if to give us the same "What the hell?" mind trip experience that McAvoy's Simon is going through. The real gem of this film though is none other than Danny Boyle's direction. Despite, winning a Best Director Oscar in 2009 for Slumdog Millionaire, Boyle is still for some reason an underrated director in comparison to the other greats. His style though is one of the most brilliantly unique ever, and it's clearly evident here. The frantic pacing, manic energy, and vibrant color keep you engaged with eyes glued to the screen as each twist unfolds before you.

      While not a masterpiece like Trainspotting, Slumdog Millionaire, or 127 Hours, this is still by far and away, better than A Life Less Ordinary and The Beach. The ending may have been a tiny bit too sentimental in contrast to the overall vibe of the film, but thanks to Boyle's stylishly effective vision, along with three solid performances, it's still one wild, entertaining ride with a final shot that leaves it up to the viewer to decide what happens. I give Trance a B+ (★★★½).

REVIEWS COMING LATER NEXT WEEK...

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

Mud

Sightseers

Star Trek Into Darkness    

The Big Wedding

Cast of Characters:
Don Griffin - Robert De Niro
Lyla Griffin - Katherine Heigl
Ellie Griffin - Diane Keaton
Missy O’Connor - Amanda Seyfried
Jared Griffin - Topher Grace
Bebe McBride - Susan Sarandon
Father Moinighan - Robin Williams
Alejandro Griffin - Ben Barnes
Muffin - Christine Ebersole
Barry - David Rasche
Madonna Soto - Patricia Rae
Nuria - Ana Ayora

Director - Justin Zackham
Screenplay - Justin Zackham
Based on the film “Mon frere se marie” by Jean-Stephane Bron & Karine Sudan
Rated R for language, sexual content and brief nudity

      Academy Award winners Robert De Niro, Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon, and Robin Williams star alongside Katherine Heigl, Amanda Seyfried, Ben Barnes and Topher Grace in The Big Wedding, the American remake of the 2006 French film Mon frere se marie (My brother is getting married).

      Don Griffin (Robert De Niro) and his long divorced ex-wife Ellie (Diane Keaton) are preparing for the wedding of their adopted son Alejandro (Ben Barnes) to Missy O’Connor (Amanda Seyfried), the daughter of long-time friends of Don and Ellie. They also have two other children planning to attend, Lyla (Katherine Heigl), their daughter with “daddy issues” who’s having marital problems of her own and Jared (Topher Grace), a doctor pushing thirty who’s still a virgin.

      Of course, problems arise. With a movie like this, there has to be. Alejandro’s biological mother Madonna Soto (Patricia Rae) is coming up from Columbia to attend her son’s wedding. Madonna, a devout Catholic, is completely unaware that Don and Ellie are now divorced and Don is now living with his girlfriend Bebe McBride (Susan Sarandon). Alejandro, not a believer in organized religion, still goes out of his way to appease his mother. First, he gets a Catholic priest, Father Moinighan (Robin Williams) to officiate the wedding. The big kicker though is that he needs Don and Ellie to “play married” for his visiting mother who’s strongly against divorce. Obviously, hijinks ensue.

      If there was an award for Best Middle of the Road, Mediocre Film of the Year, The Big Wedding would win hands down. The performances are uniformly solid, which is truly surprising when you have four Academy Award winning acting veterans along with two comic presences in Katherine Heigl and Topher Grace. The performances aren’t the problem here, and I don’t think anyone would debate that. The problem is everything else. It’s just so conventional. Just look at the poster with the whole family gathered around yucking it up for the camera; how many times have we seen that? The main driving plot of De Niro and Keaton having to play married again for the visiting biological mother while Sarandon pops up here and there, and “Well, hey, who could she be?”, is so “Flintstone’s Episode - Fred having to be at both his bowling tournament and Pebble’s birthday at the same time.” Obviously, hijinks ensue. Secondly, writer/director Justin Zackham goes for cheap innuendo laughs in the typical “big family comedy” aimed at an R-rating. I have absolutely no problem with innuendo humor if it’s at least sharp, biting, and clever. Going for cheap laughs of any sort, be it innuendo or not, is not funny. There’s a reason it’s cheap. You’re trying to push a laugh without putting any effort into it. Plus, the whole subplot of Topher Grace’s Jared still being a virgin was completely superfluous. You’re gonna tell me an attractive guy pushing thirty making a doctor’s salary can’t get any? Now that is suspending disbelief.

      Granted, there is one moment where Heigl and De Niro share a serious scene where they both hit it out of the park, and the film does have its laughs. Williams in particular is nicely restrained unlike other comedy flops he has done recently, but overall it’s just average. It’s nowhere near bad, but it’s nowhere near good. The solid performances and the laughs here and there are enough to merit it a rental, I just wish Zackham spent a little bit more blood, sweat, and tears into the writing, making the humor a bit more sharp. Given the talent that he was working with, he’s without excuse here. I give The Big Wedding a C (★★½).

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

      Hello, readers, it's time for this week's video pick. Today's pick is one of my all-time favorite movies filmed by one of the most iconic if not the iconic sibling filmmaker duo. It won two Academy Awards in 1997 for Best Actress and Best Original Screenplay.

      Fargo is a story based on true events about a plan to get rich by Jerry Lundegaard (William H. Macy) that winds up not going as he planned. A car salesman struggling financially, Jerry tries to find a way to make some good money. Bringing up a supposed real estate deal to his wealthy father-in-law Wade Gustafson (Harve Presnell) didn't work at all. Instead, Jerry meets up with two small-time criminals, Carl Showalter (Steve Buscemi) and Gaear Grimsrud (Peter Stormare), who are willing to help. Jerry's plan would have Carl and Gaear kidnapping his wife and holding her hostage. After his wife is kidnapped, Jerry then will go to Wade and get him to pay a large ransom which he, in turn, will split with Carl an Gaear. At first, the two are naturally puzzled as to why he'd devise such a plan, but nevertheless, they go along with it. After a few events go awry resulting in some innocent deaths, local police chief Marge Gunderson (Frances McDormand) is called to the scene and begins to investigate those who may be responsible.

      As much as I love The English Patient, this film here deserved to win Best Picture (the Coen brothers were vindicated eleven years later with No Country For Old Men). I don't even know where to begin here: the excellent performances, flawless direction, first-rate cinematography, or the brilliant writing. I could go on and on about the dialogue. It's films like these - along with Tarantino's - that I think would be essential for those in any sort of screenwriting class. The dialogue is dark, vulgar, funny, and incredible rich. Then again, isn't that what the Coens do best? I mean, close your eyes and just listen to that scene I have up above. Just amazing. The performances are phenomenal. McDormand shows just how deserving of Best Actress she really was just with the accent of hers alone. The great character actor William H. Macy (who was nominated for Best Supporting Actor that year as well) gives a terrifically conflicted performance of a man struggling to hide the guilt that clearly eats at him, and both Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare are excellent as the two crooks. There are at least a dozen moments within the film that will have your eyes glued to the screen leading to the one of the most disgustingly picturesque climaxes in film ever. Perfectly crafted by the Coen brothers and exquisitely photographed by cinematographer Roger Deakins, Fargo is a crime-story masterpiece, an instant classic, and a film you will never forget.

Iron Man 3

Cast of Characters:
Tony Stark/Iron Man - Robert Downey, Jr.
Virginia “Pepper” Potts - Gwyneth Paltrow
Colonel James “Rhodey” Rhodes/Iron Patriot - Don Cheadle
Aldrich Killian - Guy Pearce
Dr. Maya Hansen - Rebecca Hall
Ellen Brandt - Stephanie Szostak
Eric Savin - James Badge Dale
Happy Hogan - Jon Favreau
The Mandarin - Ben Kingsley

Director - Shane Black
Screenplay - Drew Pearce & Shane Black
Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense sci-fi action and violence throughout, and brief suggestive content

      After the long wait, one of the most anticipated films of the year, Iron Man 3, is finally here! Being one of the most successful comic book film adaptation series out of the lot, you always run the risk of going in with high expectations. That being said, does the third entry in the series starring Academy Award nominees Robert Downey, Jr., Don Cheadle and Academy Award winners Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Kingsley meet those expectations?

      The film opens on a flashback sequence set during New Years Eve party in 1999. Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) meets Dr. Maya Hansen (Rebecca Hall), a scientist who created an experimental regenerative treatment called Extremis. They both are approached by Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce), a crippled scientist who offers them positions at his company, Advanced Idea Mechanics (AIM). Stark appears interested, but only leads Killian on, leaving him hanging at the party.

      Flash forward to present day, following the events that took place in The Avengers. Tony Stark's now suffering from anxiety attacks that are directly related to that Chitauri invasion in New York. Because of this, he's unable to sleep, and focuses all his time and energy building more Iron Man suits leaving him exhausted. This comes at much displeasure and concern from both his girlfriend "Pepper" Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) and friend Col. James "Rhodey" Rhodes (Don Cheadle). Tony's situation becomes even more complicated after a series of bombings around the world orchestrated by an international terrorist known as The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley).

      I left the plot summary relatively short for the sake of avoiding spoilers. High expectations can often lead to disappointment. Not the case here. Iron Man has been one of my favorite superhero adaptations, and one of the more consistently good series along with Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy. Robert Downey, Jr. actually plays Tony Stark more than he does Iron Man throughout the entire film, and the result is a performance that's nothing short of brilliant reaching Award worthy levels at times. Being that this is a comic book film, we gotta mention the villains. The great Ben Kingsley practically steals the show from Downey, Jr. here. There's one scene stealing moment in particular involving the two that I'm not even gonna bring up due to spoilers. Guy Pearce gives an equally strong villainous performance along with Kingsley as the charming yet sinister scientist with a chip on his shoulder against Stark. Plus, it's always great to see two actors like Pearce and Kingsley, both known for doing more dramatic work, dive right into these comic book villain roles and go all out with it. Don Cheadle and Gwyneth Paltrow both reprise their roles as Stark's sidekick and girlfriend respectively and both turn in terrific work. Co-writer/director Shane Black (taking over after Jon Favreau directed the first two) is no stranger to action films with a touch of comedy having written the first two Lethal Weapon films (two of the best action-comedies ever), and the criminally underrated Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (also starring Robert Downey, Jr.), of which was his directorial debut. Black strings together some impressive action sequences decorated with some dazzling special effects. Along with co-writer Drew Pearce, the writing is - like the past two Iron Man films - filled with humor that is sharp and clever. There's even a great buddy-action segment mid-way through the film between Stark and a kid he meets that wants to help him.

      The summer blockbuster season is now here, and Iron Man 3 will go down as one of the best to come out of it this year. With uniformly terrific performances, action packed direction from Black, first rate special effects, great humor, and two intriguing villains, this is an excellent action film that can stand alone as its own film as well as fit in just nicely within the Marvel film series. See it. Hell, see it twice! Also, be sure to wait 'til the end credits for an additional scene. I give Iron Man 3 an A (★★★★).

REVIEWS COMING LATER NEXT WEEK...

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

The Big Wedding
Trance   

Pain & Gain

Cast of Characters:
Daniel Lugo - Mark Wahlberg
Paul Doyle - Dwayne Johnson
Adrian “Noel” Doorbal - Anthony Mackie
Victor Kershaw - Tony Shalhoub
Detective Ed DuBois - Ed Harris

Director - Michael Bay
Screenplay - Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely

      Director Michael Bay has been behind the helm of many a blockbuster film over the past two decades. Despite all being successes at the box office, he's often the subject of criticism over his films being all action without substance. This year Bay takes on a film based on a true story with Pain & Gain. Is it worth your time and can Michael Bay go a whole two hours without unleashing one explosion... or two... or three... hundred?

      In 1995, Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) is a bodybuilder that works at the Sun Gym down in Miami, Florida. Lugo's a schemer at heart, having previously been arrested for conning the elderly into buying fake investments. Within no time, Lugo has tripled the gym's membership and also befriended fellow bodybuilder and impotent steroid junkie Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie). Lugo makes enough to get by, but he's still not satisfied. He wants more, and he finds his ticket to it through new gym member, Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub), a successful businessman.

      After hearing Kershaw's stories on how he has achieved success, Lugo believes him to be a smarmy crook and wants to take everything from him. After all, he just wants his share of the pie. He gets Adrian on board, and soon after gets Paul Doyle (Dwayne Johnson), a born again ex-con recently hired by the gym, to join them. Their plan is to extort Kershaw for everything he's got by kidnapping and torturing him.

      I've never been a fan of Michael Bay. I mentioned at the beginning that he's often criticized for films that provide overbearing action without any substance and I strongly agree. All things considered, you never judge one film 'cause of another, and I gotta say, I really liked this film. Mark Wahlberg gives a solid performance in the lead role, but it's Dwayne Johnson that ends up being a bit of scene stealer as the recently released, cocaine addicted, born again prison convert. Tony Shalhoub also gives a great, smug performance as the victim who's such a jack ass at times you can't quite feel sorry for him, but at the same time, you certainly can't root for his suffering either, and Ed Harris shows up about halfway through in a small but dependable role as the retired detective looking into the case. Of course, let's bring up the elephant in the room, that being Michael Bay. While it's safe to say I won't become a fanboy any time soon, I gotta give him tremendous credit here. He avoids the usual in your face, CGI heavy, explosive style he's known for, and at times, you can tell he's kinda making fun of it.

      Obviously, since this is based on real events, real criminals, and real victims, people might be naturally turned off by the idea of a movie poking fun or making light of a situation such as this one which resulted in innocent people dying. That's not the case here. Of course, there are laughs. There's quite a bit of them actually, but kudos to director Michael Bay and writers Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely for never glamorizing the violence here and for making the comic moments us laughing at Wahlberg and Co. and not with them. You'll see what I mean when you realize how stupid these criminals are. Hell must have frozen over, 'cause here I am giving a solid recommendation to a Michael Bay film. I give Pain & Gain a B+ (★★★½).

The Lords of Salem

Cast of Characters:
Heidi Hawthorne - Sheri Moon Zombie
Francis Matthias - Bruce Davison
Herman “Whitey” Salvador - Jeff Daniel Phillips
Herman “Munster” Jackson - Ken Foree
Megan - Patricia Quinn
Sonny - Dee Wallace
Alice Matthias - Maria Conchita Alonso
Lacy Doyle - Judy Geeson
Margaret Morgan - Meg Foster

Director - Rob Zombie
Screenplay - Rob Zombie
Rated R for disturbing violent and sexual content, graphic nudity, language and some drug use

      Rob Zombie has been known to many for being one of the most entertaining heavy metal acts of the past twenty years in both White Zombie and his solo work. In the past ten years, he’s added filming to his repertoire, writing and directing House of 1,000 Corpses - his debut film - followed by its sequel, The Devil’s Rejects, and more recently two Halloween film remakes. This year, his fifth feature length film is released, The Lords of Salem.

      Heidi Hawthorne (Sheri Moon Zombie) is a DJ for a local radio station in Salem, Massachusetts. Together with Herman “Whitey” Salvador (Jeff Daniel Phillips) and Herman “Munster” Jackson (Ken Foree) she forms one-third of the “Big H Radio Team”. One evening, Heidi receives a mysterious wooden box containing a vinyl record with a note saying, “A gift from the Lords”. Assuming it’s an unknown rock band wanting to get promoted, she plays the record. Soon afterwards, she begins to experience bizarre flashbacks and visions. Her two co-DJs play the record as well, but it has no effect on them.

      Having some personal demons of her own, and wanting to resolve this newfound trouble she’s experiencing, she seeks the help of a local occult historian named Francis Matthias (Bruce Davison). Through a little historical digging, Matthias discovers these visions that she’s having date all the way back to the Salem witch trials of the 17th century, of which she may have some connection to.

      Zombie has developed a bit of a cult-following with his movies. They’re obviously not for everyone, and his style of horror is certainly not as mainstream within the genre as a lot of people are used to seeing. That being said, this was one hell of a creepy flick. I’ve been a fan of Zombie’s work since his debut, House of 1,000 Corpses. Absolutely loved The Devil’s Rejects, and although I’ve been sick of seeing horror remakes and despite taking John Carpenter’s original Halloween hands down any day over the remake, I at least appreciated Zombie’s style and vision with his take of the film. That’s a lot more than can be said of most other horror remakes. What’s great about this film - and this can be said of his past films as well - is the pacing. It’s slow, plodding, unnerving, and that was Zombie’s intention. The viewer will find themselves just as frustrated as the lead character Heidi is when she knows something’s wrong, yet can’t put a finger on what it is. Her experiences become ours in a way. While it certainly has its fair share of graphic violence and nudity, this is far from a typical slasher film and it’s never glamorized. No, this film contains touches of Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining, Dario Argento’s Suspiria, and Roman Polanski’s Rosemary’s Baby (the latter of which is the biggest influence within the film), and right from the get-go you can easily tell Zombie considers all three of them huge influences within his own filmmaking style. Like his past endeavors, the acting here is quite strong, particularly from Sheri Moon Zombie (Rob’s wife), Jeff Daniel Phillips, and the underrated character actor Bruce Davison. As for the writing, while not the film’s biggest strength, Zombie still shows he’s a pretty damn good storyteller. There’s not really too much explanation into the motives of “The Lords” during the Salem witch era, which in turn makes them appear all the more crazier. That may be to the film’s credit, though. A lot of times, back stories that overstay their welcome can break a potentially good film.

      While not quite at the level of The Devil’s Rejects - his finest film in my opinion - Rob Zombie proves once again why he’s capable of being a perfectly competent filmmaker. The writing is simple, to the point, and presents some interesting characters, the performances are great, and Zombie sets just the right tone and mood within the film. This isn’t a “scary” movie designed to make the viewer jump and scream out loud. This is a film designed to get under your skin and make you feel unsettled, and it works. I know for a fact there will be quite a few moviegoers turned off by the vibe of this movie, but I happened to really enjoy this creepy mind trip. I give The Lords of Salem an A- (★★★½).