Top 10 Horror Films of All-Time

      Happy Halloween, readers. It's the only time of year complete strangers are legally allowed to hand out candy to children. In honor of this frightful holiday, I'm counting down my top 10 horror films of all-time. Of course, like with my last top 10 post for comedies, both Psycho and The Exorcist are exempt since they made my top 50 films of all-time list.

      What makes a great horror film? Does it really solely on jump scares, the horror film's fart joke, or does it aim for the gut wrenching slow buildup of suspense. A lively, animated villain is always a great thing, but in at least two instances here, that's not entirely necessary provided elements such as the direction, the protagonist characters and certain technical aspects such as makeup, set design, etc. pick up the slack. Having said that, let's move on to the list, starting with...

10) The Evil Dead (New Line Cinema)

      1981 - Spider-man director Sam Raimi made his filmmaking debut here with his camping trip from hell. Blending just the right amount gore, creeps and scares with dark humor (sucking all that out of the remake was just one of its failures), this is the type of horror film that proves going small isn't a bad thing. It's hard to imagine anyone other than Bruce Campbell as Ash, Tim Philo's clever camerawork nearly makes this film on its own, for being low budget, the makeup work is rather effective and long before he became the Oscar winning filmmaker he is today, Joel Coen of the Coen brothers actually helped co-edit the film. Although the two semi-sequels tipped the balance toward campy humor a little bit more than I liked, there's no denying the original film's place in the line of horror classics.

9) The Others (Dimension Films)

      2001 - Academy Award winner Nicole Kidman gives one of her best performances in The Others, a wonderfully suspenseful thriller that can be just as creepy, if not creepier, as the visual effects laden, blood splattering horror films. Set during the aftermath of WWII and centering on a mother and her two kids who believe their home is haunted, this film is slow paced, but it not only works that way, it's to the film's benefit. Javier Aguirresarobe's cinematography is gorgeous, the sound editing is excellent and writer/director Alejandro Amenabar creates an unsettling atmosphere that keeps you waiting in suspense 'til the very end. Even after you know the ending, like The Sixth Sense before it, it's still re-watchable.

8) The Omen (20th Century Fox)

      1976 - All she wanted was a simple cost of living raise! Leave it to films like this to tarnish a cool sounding name like Damien. Richard Donner's film on the baby Anti-Christ isn't all-out scary, but it's sure unsettling. Whether it's Jerry Goldsmith's chilling, Oscar winning score, Billie Whitlaw as the nanny from hell, Mrs. Baylock, or Harvey Spencer Stephens as that creepy little bastard Damien, this film slowly creeps under your skin and runs a shiver down your spine. Having legendary Oscar winner Gregory Peck and Oscar nominee Lee Remick as your two leads doesn't hurt either. While the 2006 remake was one of the more decent horror remakes, it's biggest flaw was making Damien so disturbed I would've be shocked if he wasn't the Anti-Christ. Bringing an adorable factor to his character, Stephens has us viewers in denial just as much as his adoptive parents are for most of the movie with that sweet, innocent smile of his.

7) Carrie (United Artists)

      1976 - In my opinion, the best of all Stephen King film adaptations (sorry, Tommyknockers), Carrie is all the reason you need as to why you should never pick on that girl outcast everyone makes fun of. Sissy Spacek was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar for her perfect embodiment of Carrie White. Spacek had the right look and feel of the school outcast and most importantly she played Carrie in such a way that had us feel sympathy for her. John Travolta hits just the right notes as the immature, high school punk Billy Nolan and Piper Laurie still gives me nightmares with her Oscar nominated turn as Carrie's mother Margaret. Writer Lawrence D. Cohen and director Brian De Palma wisely keep things restrained at just the right pace, waiting 'til the iconic, climatic prom scene to unleash Carrie's fury on the high schoolers. When that moment finally arrives, it's quite a thrill.

6) Night of the Living Dead (The Walter Reade Organization)

      1968 - After watching Resident Evil, I was convinced there should be a law made outlawing anyone not named George A. Romero from making a zombie film (Danny Boyle changed my mind). It's difficult to pick which is better, this film or its successor Dawn of the Dead, but when in doubt go with the film that kickstarted it all. Between the tight editing, the realistic gore and sharp writing, with a sly political subtext on racism, all zombie film creators following this film - both good and bad - should get on their knees and kiss the ground Romero walks on for the legacy he created with this small gem of a film that paved the way for an entire genre of films.

5) Halloween (Compass International Pictures)

      1978 - What George A. Romero is to zombie films, John Carpenter is to slasher films. While it's not quite at Hitchcock's Psycho level, there's no doubt that the way Carpenter has his tale unfold is very much inspired by the Alfred Hitchcock masterpiece. Donald Pleasence's performance is near award level, Jamie Lee Curtis (who's mother, speaking of Psycho, was none other than Marion Crane) became a star after this film, and I'd be an idiot if I didn't mention the iconic, hair-raising, note by note perfect score, also done by Carpenter. For a film that inspired hundreds of slasher films that followed, Carpenter's genius lies in the ways he crafted together a violent film with very little explicit gore. This would also be a great film for abstinence courses. Sex, as always, leads to death in films like these.

4) Let the Right One In (Sandrew Metronome)

      2008 - Forget that horrendous and horribly unnecessary American remake. This is the best vampire film I have seen to date, and if the current state of vampire movies is any indication, Let the Right One In's spot at the top of the list looks to be fairly secure. Don't get me wrong. Francis Ford Coppola's mostly faithful Bram Stoker's Dracula is probably the most visually gorgeous vampire tale and Bela Lugosi's Dracula - well, there will never be a more iconic representation of fanged bloodsucker, but when I look at the film as a whole, this dark, violent, yet still beautiful coming of age tale takes the crown. What makes this such an effective film is just how grounded in reality a film about vampires could possibly get. It's not about folklore or mythology or what vampiric backstory she might have. This film, at its heart, is about the relationship that develops between the bullied Oskar (Kare Hedebrant) and the mysterious outcast Eli (Lina Leandersson), and you're damn right I'm gonna beat a dead horse and say it's a better love story than Twilight.

3) A Nightmare on Elm Street (New Line Cinema)

      1984 - Like Michael Myers and Halloween, Mr. Krueger's reputation here has been slightly tarnished by the number of crappy sequels that followed the original. That said, as far as slasher films go, Freddy is king and that's mainly 'cause of the personality his character brings to the story. Containing an imaginative and original premise, A Nightmare on Elm Street had adolescents sleeping with one eye open back in the 80's. Writer/director Wes Craven touches on subjects varying from adolescent struggles and promiscuity, Robert Englund's darkly humorous performance as the razor handed monster is as pitch perfect as a horror film villain gets, and this marked the acting debut of a certain Oscar nominee by the name of Johnny Depp. I won't reveal it, but witnessing his death (it's a slasher film, so there's no spoiler, of course he dies) is truly a sight to behold.

2) Frankenstein (Universal Pictures)

      1931 - Bela Legosi's Dracula and Lon Chaney, Jr.'s The Wolfman are both masterpieces of horror that have influenced the way horror films to this day are made, but the greatest out of all the horror films from the classic era is by far James Whale's Frankenstein, starring Boris Karloff. Back in the 30's, this film was highly controversial and to this day, I believe it still holds up in its ability to give you the creeps. Like the character Carrie White, Frankenstein's monster isn't as monstrous as it clearly appears to be and you find yourself sympathizing over it becoming a victim of misunderstanding. No scene displays that better than the infamous "girl by the lake" moment. No one other than Karloff could play the monster as perfectly as he captured it, James Whale's direction is impeccable, and the makeup design was ahead of its time. A tragic tale of consequences of what happens when man attempts to play God, Frankenstein has been around now for over eight decades and still stands the test of time.

      Well, we've reached spot #1. Here we go. I'll give you hint. It's not I Know What You Did Last Summer, but it just might be Death Becomes Her or Saw 3D. Drum roll, please...

1) The Thing (Universal Pictures)

      1982 - When I first saw this film years ago, that scene right there kept me awake for about a week. John Carpenter's magnum opus (yes, it is slightly better than Halloween), The Thing is the evidence I bring to the table whenever anyone bitches, "Wah! You're just biased against remakes!" No, I'm biased against shitty ones, but John Carpenter managed to film a remake that surpassed the original in all aspects. Kurt Russell (who starred in another Carpenter film, the fantastically entertaining Escape From New York) has always been an underrated actor and here he exhibits just the right amount of "Take no prisoners. Take no shit." badass attitude as the group's leader. The pacing and suspense are timed just right, the set design is first rate and the makeup effects are some of the best in film history. There's not a single moment in this film that ever comes off slow and from the very first shot to the end credits, it's just a flat-out blast.

      Well, there you have it, readers. Feel free to let me know what you think are the greatest horror films ever. Until next time, here's to great movies, in particular, the ones that make you need a change in pants.

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

      Hello, readers. It's the final recommended viewing pick for October, and I decided to go with a pick that leans more toward fun than outright scary. It's a shame that when it first came out, this film performed poorly at the box office. Since its release though, it has developed quite a cult status.

      While committing an act of infidelity, local car deal Grant Grant (Michael Rooker) stumbles upon a parasite infested meteor in the woods. Infected with one of the parasites, Grant begins to experience some physical changes that worries his wife Starla (Elizabeth Banks). Since he refuses to visit the doctor, Starla goes to local sheriff Bill Pardy (Nathan Fillion) - her childhood crush - for help. He assures her that what her husband is going through can't be too bad, but as Grant's "condition" worsens, it could spell big trouble for the town of Wheelsy, South Carolina.

      The 80's were as infested with a number of "B-movie" gore films, some good and some complete garbage, as this film is with its parasites. Slither is a self-aware, competently directed, and surprisingly well-acted ode to those B-movies of the past that's just as funny as it is bloody. Nathan Fillion, who has that "everyman" quality about him, fits the role of the local sheriff who saves the day that we've seen a million times before and after this very well. Michael Rooker had already established himself as a character actor long before we got to know him as Merle Dixon in TV's The Walking Dead, and it's almost cliche to see him play those seedy types of characters, but dammit if he doesn't play 'em well. Gregg Henry has some great comical moments as the town's foulmouthed mayor, and this was actually the first film that introduced me to Elizabeth Banks. Writer/director James Gunn's background in Troma Entertainment (best known for the cult-film The Toxic Avenger) prior to this film makes him a perfect fit for this type of film. He knows how a B-movie should be made. The characters are lively, the makeup and creature effects are fantastic and despite the fact that I maybe would've liked a bit more wit thrown in with the sight gags, it's still an entertaining time. At just around 90 minutes, Gunn keeps the film's pace at just the right speed. It's not perfect, but it sure is fun. I kept the plot to a minimum 'cause like last week's pick, The Descent, certain moments with this film are much more rewarding when you find them out on your own. I'll just say the clip I posted above isn't even the best death scene.

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. Today is the final week of October Horror Month. Later this week I'll have my top 10 horror films of all-time, but first we have to take out the trash, and since it's the final segment of this horror theme, it's gotta go out on top.

      Hellbound... Chuck Norris vs. Satan = F. T. W. What's the plot? Who really cares? It's Norris fighting a demon... but since I'm typing this with extreme fear and caution as to not saying anything too negative, I'll tell you anyway. Satan's emissary, Prosatanos (Christopher Neame) was once stopped, during the Crusades by King Richard I. The source of his power, a golden scepter, was shattered by the king into nine pieces, each piece hidden in nine holy places around the world. Locked away in a subterranean tomb, Prosatanos is finally inadvertently released centuries later by some grave robbers, but he's about to meet his match in Detective Frank Shatter (Chuck Norris). With all nine pieces of the scepter now in Prosatanos's hands, it'll be Bad vs. Badass as Shatter fights him in order to save the world.

      Come on. There's only one reason to see this film: Mr. Carlos Ray Norris. Two reasons, actually, if you count the horrendous acting performance by apparently John Malkovich's retarded twin brother as the demon. Take Norris out of this film and you have just another generic early 90's cop film with a soundtrack straight out of the 80's (e.g., the cheesy lounge jazz music playing in the background as Norris charms the hell out of the lead woman... Not that there's another thing wrong with that. I'm sure Mr. Norris has excellent taste in music). The dialogue was probably written by an eight year old ("Shit! His heart his gone!" "No, it's not. It's right over there."), it's hard for the villain to be all that intimidating when he looks more like the world's biggest WWE fan, and there's the clip I posted above where Norris goes gun happy on a suspect and when he's finally in custody, Norris still beats the shit out of him, simply 'cause... well 1) Do I really need to explain why? and 2) What do you expect from a cop with the name FRANK SHATTER? Oh, and Norris's choice of wardrobe leads me to believe he was actually conned into thinking this was a remake of Miami Vice and he was the lucky man cast as "Sonny" Crockett. Something tells me whoever was in charge of the wardrobe choices was subsequently roundhouse kicked to death. If anything, this movie's good for a number of Norris jokes you'll make while watching it. I mean, for God's sakes, the man can't act worth a shit and we all know his film career is nothing more than a jok... asdflllllllllllllllf346104riafjadfj;kldsdfgbhvfyctxdzr... ^%$2... asdkjklwe... !#@$YDFSDF... sdfjkcvmker...

      I apologize for that. That was my head being repeatedly slammed into the keyboard by some strange force. I take back everything bad I ever said about this movie. I thoroughly enjoyed the engaging and complex story. The acting was award worthy, and - uh - anything else, sir? Oh... okay... I give Hellbound an A++++ .

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

Cast of Characters:

Irving Zisman - Johnny Knoxville

Billy - Jackson Nicoll

Director - Jeff Tremaine

Screenplay - Jeff Tremaine, Johnny Knoxville & Spike Jonze

Rated R for strong crude and sexual content throughout, language, some graphic nudity and brief drug use

      Johnny Knoxville dons the prosthetic liver spots and wrinkles as Jackass's Irving Zisman in Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa.

      86 year old Irving Zisman (Johnny Knoxville) has recently suffered the loss of his wife. While at the funeral, Irving's daughter and grandson Billy (Jackson Nicoll) show up not so fashionably late. She breaks the news to her dad that she could be facing more jail time and has to pawn her boy off on her dad.

      Although this comes much to Irving's displeasure, he reluctantly takes Billy with him on a road trip to hand him over to his father.

      At first, I was expecting this to be another Borat ripoff. The key difference though, is that while they both share the same format of pranking people clearly not in on the joke, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan was more a mockumentary where Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa has a storyline to it. A film like this runs the dangerous risk of just putting in all the funny parts in the trailer and leaving you with nothing else when you finally see the movie. Many films before this have fallen prey to that and many after it still will. Fortunately, we are offered more than what we've been shown in the trailers. Johnny Knoxville delivers some funny moments of improvisation, but the real gem of this film is not him and its not even the reactions of those being pranked. It's Jackson Nicoll. He's not a newcomer. He's had small roles in The Fighter and the Arthur remake, but this is the first time I've seen him front and center stage and he hits it out of the park. Without giving anything away, there are things that he says, such as his first scene in a waiting room, where the reactions of those around him are priceless. Clearly, as a kid, I'm sure he was getting fed what to say through an earpiece, but I wouldn't be shocked if some of those moments, like Knoxville, were improvised. Sure, we've seen the typical "potty-mouthed kid" before and it normally forces a "oh, hardy-har-har" whatever laugh out of us. What Nicoll is able to do though is gradually get us to empathize with him and his situation. It's more than just watching a kid walk up to an adult bookstore worker and ask, "What's your stripper stage name?". There is a bit of heart to this film amongst all the raunchiness of it that's never overplayed, so it doesn't quite stick out like a sore thumb.

      While some laughs don't work as well as others do, the ones the do work are gut busting. Plus, no matter how many times, whether in the preview or in the film, I watch Irving make it rain dollar bills over his grandson gyrating to Warrant's "Cherry Pie" at a local beauty pageant, I'm gonna laugh my ass off. Combine that with the chemistry made between Knoxville and Nicoll and it's a great time. If you know what to expect out of this, then yeah, you're in for a good laugh, but if not, it's best you stay away. I give Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa a B+ (★★★½).

REVIEWS COMING LATER NEXT WEEK...

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

Top 10 Horror Films of All-Time

Ender's Game

Free Birds

Last Vegas  

The Counselor

Cast of Characters:

The Counselor - Michael Fassbender

Laura - Penelope Cruz

Malkina - Cameron Diaz

Reiner - Javier Bardem

Westray - Brad Pitt

Director - Ridley Scott

Screenplay - Cormac McCarthy

Rated R for graphic violence, some grisly images, strong sexual content and language

      Michael Fassbender, Cameron Diaz, Academy Award nominee Brad Pitt and Oscar winners Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem team up with Oscar nominated director Ridley Scott in The Counselor.

      A man simply known as the Counselor (Michael Fassbender) has it all: a successful job, a luxurious home and a gorgeous bombshell wife, Laura (Penelope Cruz). It doesn't seem to be enough though as he decides to dive into the dark, seedy world of drug trafficking.

      With the help of a middleman named Westray (Brad Pitt), the Counselor forms a partnership with entrepreneur by day/drug kingpin by night Reiner (Javier Bardem) and his girlfriend Malkina (Cameron Diaz). When things naturally go south, the consequences the Counselor faces as as Westray says, "I'd say bad... then multiply that by ten."

      I was really looking forward to this. You have a cast that features an Oscar nominee, two Oscar winners, Michael Fassbender - who's quickly proving himself to be A-list talent as well - and even Cameron Diaz. Somewhere within Diaz is a talented actress, the problem is that she wastes it on crappy projects. In the hands of a great director, such as three time Oscar nominated director Ridley Scott, she can be more than effective. She's proven that before working with Spike Jonze and Martin Scorsese. When you combine a cast such as this with a director like Scott and then a screenplay written by critically acclaimed novelist Cormac McCarthy, you expect great, Oscar baiting things... Too bad, that's not the case here. While there are moments of inspired greatness within The Counselor, including a creatively bloody murder scene, the weakness can be found no further than Mr. McCarthy himself. Now, McCarthy is widely known as the "Shakespeare of the West" for good reasons. Many of works written like a Shakespearean tragedy. We've seen it adapted perfectly before in the Coen brothers' No Country for Old Men and there are traces of it found here. There's a difference between writing a novel and writing a screenplay and it's unfortunate that McCarthy succumbs to what I call Stephen King Syndrome. Just 'cause you're a great novelist, doesn't mean you'll make a great screenwriter. It really is a shame too 'cause the performances are uniformly fantastic, Scott brings his trademark visual style to the table and the cinematography by Dariusz Wolski is great. What we get from McCarthy though is too many meandering characters and subplots that really lead to nowhere. If anything, that shows you the talent level of the stars performing here for how they are able to act so well considering how poorly developed many of the characters are (with the one exception of Pitt's Westray, who I wanted to see more of). What I would've done if I was Ridley Scott was recommend a screenwriting collaboration for McCarthy to help smoothen things out. It's not out of the question for him. Yeah, I get he's a famed novelist, but he's not a screenwriter. Plus, Scott's not some rookie feature-length debut guy. This is Ridley Scott, dammit! We're talking the man that was at the helm of Gladiator, American Gangster, Thelma & Louise, Matchstick Men and two of the greatest sci-films ever made in Alien and Blade Runner. The man carries some pull in the film industry and he should've at least told McCarthy that maybe someone with a bit more experience in screenplays lending a hand wouldn't be so bad.

      I didn't hate The Counselor, but considering it's the kinda movie I wanted to love, that makes it a disappointment; in fact, it could be the biggest disappointment of the year so far. It's beautiful to look at in all its sexy and violent glory, the cast is great and I'll never be able to look at Cameron Diaz, or cars for that matter, the same again, but it just fell around okay for me. That's the problem, though. You don't want okay from a cast like this and from Ridley Scott. You don't even want good. You expect and want great, but we don't get that. I give The Counselor a C (★★½).

About Time

Cast of Characters:

Tim Lake - Domhnall Gleeson

Mary - Rachel McAdams

Tim's Father - Bill Nighy

Harry - Tom Hollander

Charlotte - Margot Robbie

Director - Richard Curtis

Screenplay - Richard Curtis

Rated R for language and some sexual content

      Domhnall Gleeson, Rachel McAdams and Bill Nighy star in the romantic time travel comedy About Time. Uh-oh, laughing playfully in the rain. That's not a good sign. This film opens November 8th. I was given a free advance screening, so this is an early review.

      At the age of 21, Tim Lake (Domhall Gleeson) discovers a family secret from his father (Bill Nighy): the men in the family can travel back in time. There are, of course, certain "rules" to this gift. One, they can't travel into the future (if they owned a DeLorean, they could), and they can only travel back to places they've experienced in the past. As his dad mentions, "It's not like I could go back and kill Hitler or shag Helen of Troy." 

      Now knowing of this gift of his, Tim could use it for many advantages, but decides he's gonna use it to help him get a girlfriend, which he has had very little if any success at. After moving to London to pursue a career in law, Tim and his friend visit a blind-dating establishment where Time meets Mary (Rachel McAdams) and from there, sparks fly. Cue the fireworks and the doves flying around them.

      When I first saw the trailer for this, despite the fact that the always entertaining Bill Nighy was in it, I figured this was gonna be another Nicholas Sparks piece of crap. I mean, Rachel McAdams is in this and her track record of romantic films, either comical or dramatic is rather horrid. I don't consider Wedding Crashers a rom-com, The Notebook was just okay and both The Time Traveler's Wife and The Vow (neither of which were written by Sparks... but they might as well have been) made me wanna give up on not just love but life in general. I'll say it again, though, every movie gets a fair shot and I've been surprised before. This is one of those surprises. Granted, there are certain plot holes that are plain as day here. You first have to wonder if they can go back in time, but not into the future, then how can they go back into the present since going back in time would then make the present the future at that moment. Secondly, there's a conversation Tim and his father have, after Tim incidentally alters the sex of his child, where his father mentions once the child is born you can't go back past that moment of conception 'cause it'll be changed. However, there are moments where that happens and nothing is changed. In spite of those issues with the plot, I still found myself thoroughly engaged with these characters and their relationships and if there's one thing writer Richard Curtis (who wrote other funny films such as Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill and Love Actually) knows, it's writing witty dialogue and there were quite a few laugh out loud moments for me. Domhnall Gleeson (resembling a somewhat awkward version of Simon Pegg for me) is perfectly cast as the lead character, and his comic timing is dead-on. He not only has great chemistry with McAdams - who's wonderful here - he also has it with Nighy (who, as always, steals ever scene he is in). That's what distinguished this film, for me, from being just another stupid chick flick. Not only do you care about Gleeson and McAdams as the couple, but the relationship with Gleeson's family, particularly with Lydia Wilson as his free-spirited sister Kit-Kat, is just as important to the story as with his wife. Along with Nighy, there's also a great supporting performance from Tom Hollander (who has one line about his daughter that nearly steals the entire film) as a down on his luck playwright and two funny cameo appearances from Richard E. Grant and the late Richard Griffiths.

      It's not a perfect film. I did mention the plot flaws, but being that it is a comedy you can kinda forgive Curtis for it. The goal is for laughs here, not scientific plausibility. There are certain nods to probably the greatest time travel rom-com Groundhog's Day (one of my hesitancies in seeing this, but they have their differences). The writing is sharp and witty, the performances are great, and along with the laughs there's a heart element throughout the film that is genuinely moving. I've been proved wrong by films before, and this is one of those times. I'm glad I got see this wonderfully funny film. I give About Time a B+ (★★★½).

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

      Hello, readers. This segment's coming a day late. I was busy, and since the editor-in-chief - which is me - gave the okay, it's coming today this week. So, this week's pick a bit came out almost ten years ago and caught me by surprise.

      It's a good thing I was born C-section, 'cause it'd be freaky if childbirth's similar to that for the baby. In The Descent, a group of friends - Sarah (Shauna MacDonald), Juno (Natalie Mendoza), Beth (Alex Reid), Sam (MyAnna Burning), Rebecca (Saskia Mulder), and the punky Holly (Nora-Jane Noone) - reunite for a vacation getaway in the Appalachian Mountains. While on a spelunking expedition, things take a turn for the worse after a rock fall leaves them stranded in an uncharted cave with no map and only a handful of supplies to last them the rest of the trip.

      I remember when this first came out. I was 20 and the theater nearby was playing it, there was nothing else good playing and Roger Ebert's site gave it four stars. That's all I knew about it going in. Knowing very little only made the film all the more exciting as it sucker punched the hell out of me from beginning to end. The film is only 99 minutes and for the first 30-40 minutes we don't even have the girls put into their dangerous situation yet. Writer/director Neil Marshall wisely spends almost the first half of the film developing these characters and their relationships, so that by the time the shit does hit the fan you actually care about what is happening to these women. That's the mark of a great horror film. Actually, that's the mark of any great film. The cinematography by Sam McCurdy has a dark, empty and claustrophobic feel that fits in with the film's tone splendidly, the pacing is just right, considering these women are the outdoors type (spelunking and whitewater rafting), the story, for the most part, is plausible and the performances - for a group of unknown actresses, for me, at the time - are very well done. It's been 8 years now since this film was released, so chances are you know what happens. Either way, I'm not gonna reveal anything about what happens other than what I need to tell you to convince you to see this. Watch this film knowing very little of what's to come and you'll find yourselves just as much in the dark as the characters within the film are. It's a much more satisfying first watch that way.

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. Only two more of these segments left for October's horror theme, so gotta make 'em count. This week's pick out of the garbage can is considered by many to be the Best-Worst film ever made. After finally getting an opportunity to watch it... oh my Goooooooood!!!!

      What you may not know is that if you look up the Best Supporting Actor nominees for the 1991 Oscars, you'll find his name nowhere on the list. Troll 2 having absolutely nothing to do with 1986's Troll is just one of the many question marks that will be swirling around your head while watching this. Joshua Waits (Michael Stephenson) is constantly having visions of his grandfather, who warns him of monsters known as Goblins - bloodthirsty vegetarians (Who knew?) who turn people into human/plant hybrids. Joshua's family, father Michael (George Hardy) - who looks like a poor man's Aaron Eckhart with an 80's era hairdo - mother Diane (Margo Prey) and sister Holly (Connie McFarland), plan on house swapping with a family that lives in Nilbog (How clever!). Why exactly are they house swapping? I don't know, but I'm sure it makes as much sense as a film titled Troll 2 that has nothing to do with Troll 1 or the troll creature in general. The Waits family finally make it Goblin spelled backward, and Joshua can't shake that uneasy feeling he has about just how odd everything is. Papa 80's hairdo Aaron Eckhart though thinks he's just being an obnoxious kid who's ungrateful for the hospitality they've been given and, "You can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!!!!" Yes... that's actually a line. When those quaint and homicidal vegans running the town begin to act weirder and weirder, though, that Waits clan find out the hard way that their ungrateful little shit may have been right all this time... Even though constantly talking to a dead relative and peeing on the family dinner (Yes... that does happen) doesn't help his case any.

      This film should've been found guilty of killing so many film careers before they even started. The clip I posted for you doesn't even scratch the surface. I don't even know where to begin. That "hospitality" scene I'm gonna have to show you right now 'cause me telling you about it doesn't do it a damn bit of justice.

      ... What the fuck? The direction is pretty much what you'd expect when you have an Italian director (Claudio Fragasso) that speaks little to no English working with American actors that speak little to no Italian. Fragasso's wife, Rosella Drudi, wrote the script based on her frustration with many of her friends becoming vegetarian, and - wow, I've heard of "you never know where or when inspiration will hit you", but what the hell? I love meat just as much as the next carnivorous human... but at what cost? This? The acting is universally bad, but of course, that's to be expected when you cast those that came expecting a part as just an extra as your leads. This predated the Internet, so a casting call through Craigslist was out of the question... but I bet that didn't stop them from posting an ad (probably written in crayon... and in Italian) at the local Goodwill or the laundromat, or they just walked into the nearest 7-11 and said, "First five people to raise their hands can be in our movie!" I particularly have to point out Deborah Reed who played Creedence (the "Drink your broth!" witch) 'cause - Holy shitty acting, Batman! - she goes beyond over-emphasis with her dialogue and delivery. It's more like E - M - P - H - A - S - I - S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your guess is as good as mine with her body language. I couldn't tell if she was overacting, suffering from a seizure, or blinking SOS in Morse Code to one of the gaffers. In all seriousness, check this movie out if you can. It may not be the Best-Worst movie ever, but it's up there. I mean, it's really high up there. For those that have Netflix, you can find it on instant queue at the moment. That's Netflix's way of showing you hospitality and you can't piss on hospitality. They won't allow it! By the way, did you know the most effective way to kill Goblins is with a double-decker bologna sandwich?     

The Fifth Estate

Cast of Characters:

Julian Assange - Benedict Cumberbatch

Daniel Domscheit-Berg - Daniel Bruhl

Sam Coulson - Anthony Mackie

Nick Davies - David Thewlis

Anke Domscheit-Berg - Alicia Vikander

James Boswell - Stanley Tucci

Sarah Shaw - Laura Linney

Director - Bill Condon

Screenplay - Josh Singer

Based on the books Inside WikiLeaks: My Time With Julian Assange and the World's Most Dangerous Website by Daniel Domscheit-Berg and WikiLeaks: Inside Julian Assange's War on Secrecy by David Leigh & Luke Harding

Rated R for language and some violence

      Benedict Cumberbatch, Daniel Bruhl, David Thewlis and Academy Award nominees Stanley Tucci and Laura Linney star in The Fifth Estate, based on the recent true events surrounding WikiLeaks editor-in-chief Julian Assange. If the review happens to cutout midway through, it may be 'cause I'm being bugged by the CIA and have been forced into asylum.

      Khan's gone all Woodward and Bernstein on us! The Fifth Estate refers to any group that operates outside the norm of society, such as the blogosphere, the greatest of which is right here in front of you. There's my self-plug for the day. Before that you have the clergy (first), nobility (second), commoners (third) and the press (fourth). WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange (Benedict Cumberbatch) and his colleague Daniel Domscheit-Berg (Daniel Brühl) team up to become underground watchdogs of the privileged and powerful. With little to no money, no sponsors, and no press backing, they create a platform that allows whistleblowers to anonymously leak covert data, shining a light on a number of dark government secrets and corporate crimes. 

      It doesn't take long until they are breaking more hard news than the world's biggest media organizations combined. However, when Assange and Berg gain access to the biggest collection of confidential intelligence documents in U.S. history (the Bradley Manning scandal), they battle each other and a defining question of our time: what costs are higher, keeping the secrets hidden or exposing them?

      Despite many others already knowing Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes, I didn't get introduced to him until earlier this year when he played Khan Noonien Singh in Star Trek Into Darkness. Not only was it a good performance, I felt one of the criticisms of the film was that he was slightly underutilized. Here as the love him/hate him Julian Assange, Cumberbatch is terrific. If hadn't of had me sold earlier this year, he certainly would here, and we still have yet to see him in 12 Years a Slave, August: Osage County and the next Hobbit film voicing Smaug, all due sometime within the remainder of 2013. It's quite a busy year for him. It's a balanced portrayal from Cumberbatch that doesn't demonize Assange, but it in no way makes him out to be a martyr or sympathetic figure. In fact, at times he's rather egotistical and arrogant. Equally strong alongside Cumberbatch is Daniel Bruhl, following his nomination worthy performance in Rush from just a couple weeks ago. As Assange's partner and WikiLeaks spokesman, Daniel is starstruck at first like a Beatlemania fanatic when he is first acquainted with Assange, but as the film progresses their relationship becomes strained the more he sees Assange caring more about exposing a story than any of the consequences that may or may not follow 'cause of it. We also some fine supporting work from the Anthony Mackie, the underrated David Thewlis and the always dependable Stanley Tucci and Laura Linney. However, Tucci and Linney were part of where the film falters. I don't fault them. You can never go wrong with those two. The problem is director Bill Condon and screenwriter Josh Singer using them in such a way where it appears like they're in a completely separate movie. One minute we're watching Domscheit-Berg and Assange exposing a story on bank corruption, next thing we know we're smack dab in front of Linney and Tucci talking about the president of Kazakhstan. Some scenes do work, but I wish Singer would've tied in their involvement with Assange a little more clearer than he does.

      Director Bill Condon adds some nice visual touches that work, but there are also some - particularly a few surreal moments that come off like All the President's Men meets The Matrix - that seem out of place. While the direction and the story come off uneven at times and could've been better, Cumberbatch's complex and compelling performance makes this still worth a watch. I give The Fifth Estate a B (★★★).

REVIEWS COMING LATER NEXT WEEK...

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

About Time

The Counselor

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa  

Escape Plan

Cast of Characters:

Ray Breslin - Sylvester Stallone

Emil Rottmayer - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Willard Hobbs - Jim Caviezel

Hush - Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson

Drake - Vinnie Jones

Dr. Emil Kyrie - Sam Neill

Lester Clark - Vincent D'Onofrio

Abigail Ross - Amy Ryan

Director - Mikael Hafstrom

Screenplay - Miles Chapman & Jason Keller

Rated R for violence and language throughout

      Rambo & Terminator, Rocky & Conan, Tango & Dutch, Judge Dredd & Junior: it's the two most iconic action stars of the past thirty years teaming up as the leads. Academy Award nominees Sylvester Stallone and Amy Ryan, Jim "Jesus" Caviezel Vincent D'Onofrio, Vinnie Jones, and Arnold Schwarzenegger star in Escape Plan... Jingle All the Way & Joe the Lion from Zookeeper - last one, I swear.

      I don't recall such an extreme form of ministry ever in the Gospels. Ray Breslin (Sylverster Stallone) is a former prosecutor who now co-owns Breslin-Clark - an Los Angeles based security firm specializing in maximum security prison reliability - with Lester Clark (Vincent D'Onofrio). Breslin can break out of any prison in the country and does so to show each prison their weaknesses. One day, he and Clark are offered a multimillion dollar deal from the CIA to test a top-secret prison that is "off the grid" from the government... Yep, seems legit.

      Upon agreeing to the deal, Breslin is taken into custody where he is to meet Warden Marsh. Instead he meets Warden Willard Hobbs (Jim Caviezel). Uh-oh, I smell a set up brewing! Realizing he has been set up, Breslin befriends fellow prisoner Emil Rottmayer (Arnold Schwarzenegger), who he feels can help him break out of the prison.

      Escape Plan was obviously a film marketer's wet dream, getting to plaster STALLONE/SCHWARZENEGGER... TOGETHER!!!! on every trailer, TV spot, magazine and internet ad in the past six months. Sure, on paper Stallone and Schwarzenegger co-headlining an action-prison break movie looks appealing, but is it really? Well, it would if it wasn't for the fact that it's tedious at times and highly implausible. Do I need documented scientific facts and logical conclusions? No, this is an action film and that's what we should get. Nothing more, but also nothing less and the fact is we get less than what we expect and need from a film like this. Of course, we get the typical stock of villains in prison break films: the evil warden, the vicious and brutal prison guard and the enemy prisoner that ends up joining Stallone and Schwarzenegger's side. Both Stallone and Schwarzenegger have a natural chemistry together that clearly comes easily to them. The problem is that while everyone else seems to be having fun with their roles, Stallone plays it straight. Stallone has proven himself a good actor before when he puts the effort into it. It's not his performance that's flawed here, it's that his performance is off balance from the tone this film should set, and the more ludicrous the story gets, the harder it is to buy such a straightforward, serious role from him. Is it far fetched to believe that he once was a prosecutor? No, not at all... but did you know he also is an expert at physics, engineering and cartography? Schwarzenegger is clearly having a ball here, and I couldn't help but be reminded how much of a fun screen presence he was before he became the Governator. He certainly won't be racking up the Oscar acting noms (of which Stallone can at least brag about), but it's still great to have Arnie back in full swing. Vinnie Jones is never a bad choice when you want a ripped and grunting behemoth running your prison security and it's been awhile since I saw Caviezel onscreen, but it's good to see him again. It was also ironic to hear a character say to him, "You're the Devil!" It's like he's come full circle in the realm of spiritual heroes and foes.

      Escape Plan has its moments of fun. There's an entertaining interrogation scene between Schwarzenegger and Caviezel that got me laughing and there's a couple of good one liners here and there, it's just a shame the fun and excitement you wanna see here can't rise above the film's mediocrity. If you're looking for a great prison break film, rent either Escape From Alcatraz or The Shawshank Redemption. More fittingly, you could also rent either of The Expendables films which feature both Stallone and Schwarzenegger. It was close for me, but I'm gonna have to lean toward pass here. I give Escape Plan a C- (★★).

Carrie

Cast of Characters:

Carrie White - Chloe Grace Moretz

Miss Desjardin - Judy Greer

Chris Hargensen - Portia Doubleday

Margaret White - Julianne Moore

Director - Kimberly Peirce

Screenplay - Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa

Based on the novel Carrie by Stephen King

Rated R for bloody violence, disturbing images, language and some sexual content

      Chloe Grace Moretz and Academy Award nominee Julianne Moore star in the remake of one of the greatest horror films of all-time, Carrie.

      Carrie White (Chloe Grace Moretz) is a shy and outcast girl going through the final months of her senior year in high school. One day, after gym class, she goes through her first period - at the surprising age of 17 - while in the gym showers. Knowing absolutely nothing about periods, Carrie believes she is bleeding to death. This event leads to much mocking and eventually a social media prank from Chris Hargensen (Portia Doubleday). However, Carrie is able to find some help and solace in her gym teacher Miss Desjardin (Judy Greer)

      Things start to perk up for Carrie the moment she is asked to the prom by one of the popular kids in the school, but her overly-religious, self-abusive mother Margaret (Julianne Moore) feels the kids there will only laugh at her.

      1976's Carrie is one of the greatest horror films of all-time. What made it so chilling was the fact that three-fourths of the film was more an effectively sympathetic coming-of-age tale for Carrie White that made the moments of horror in the final prom scene act all the more chilling. When I first saw the trailer for this new remake, I kinda went into Walter White mode, "... Tread... lightly.", but as I said earlier this week, I've been surprised by remakes before. It's such a shame that this film, like most horror remakes, falls flat. Somewhere within Chloe Grace Moretz is a talented actress. I thought she was great as Hit-girl in the first Kick-Ass, but after Let Me In, then Dark Shadows, her moody turn in the Kick-Ass 2 and now this, I get it. She can play sullen, moody and creepy well. Whoopty-doo! There are moments when Moretz is effective, particularly when she's with Judy Greer, but overall I didn't feel for her character the way I did with Sissy Spacek's portrayal. Julianne Moore is one of best actresses of the past twenty years; in fact, one of the criticisms I had about Don Jon is that I wanted to see more from her character. Here, though, she's too over-the-top and her self-abusing moments were a bit head scratching. Granted, in the original, Piper Laurie was over-the-top as well, but in a good way that left you feeling unsettled, and that final shot of her with that slight smile on her face still sends a shiver down my spine. Alex Russell is more than miscast as Billy Nolan. John Travolta originally played him and was able to capture the immature stupidity that normally comes with being a high school troublemaker. Russell looks more like he's fresh out of prison than detention. All those are minor criticisms compared to my biggest beef with the film. About halfway through, I started thinking okay, maybe this will land somewhere in my "rent it" range... then the prom scene prank happened and I not only didn't like the direction Kimberly Peirce went with it, I actually hated it. What irked me was how they made Carrie appear morbidly pleasured from wreaking havoc on all the students that were taunting her... No. No, no, no, no, no, no! "Don't hurt me, Carrie.", Sue Snell says to which Carrie replies, "... Why not?" Sissy Spacek's Carrie was never amused by her powers. Curious? Yes, but at times she seemed overwhelmed even frightened of what she was capable of doing. The way director Brian de Palma handled the student slaughterings was brilliant. Not a sound is heard other than the sounds of kids screaming while the eery and piercing soundtrack plays in the background. Carrie says nothing and is expressionless. There are no stupid smirks on her face. It's as if her powers overtook her. Here we have another case of "Child in the Candy Store" syndrome. You have all this updated use of technology, so let's just ramp everything up to the max, and to be honest, I didn't have too much of a problem with that. It's visually impressive at times, but the way they botched the character of Carrie made me care less how impressive it was

      There are a few bright spots here. I enjoyed Ansel Elgort's take on Tommy Ross (originally played by William Katt) and Judy Greer, although not as "tough as nails bitch" as Betty Buckley, had some nice moments with Moretz as the school's gym teacher. The problem is Peirce's direction and Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa's screenplay distort Carrie into an unsympathetic character. Plus, aside from a couple minor changes (an unnecessary intro and an eye-rolling reveal about Sue Snell at the end that had me groan out loud), this remake actually doesn't do anything that the original already didn't do. What we're left with is a "been there, done that" film containing minor changes that, aside from the present day social media updating, don't work at all. I may sound trite right now, but just watch the original. Trust me. I give Carrie a D+ (★½).

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

      Hello, readers. Time for Tuesday's recommended viewing choice. Today's pick is one of the rare exceptions for me in that it's not only a remake I like, but one I feel is better than the original. It's also great for pulling a prank on your sister, immediately after watching, if you happen to have two separate home phones.

      The Ring opens with two teenage girls talking about a supposed videotape that happens to kill you seven days after watching it. When it turns out that one of those girls watched the tape one week ago, she is mysteriously killed. Rachel Keller (Naomi Watts), that ill-fated girl's aunt, is a journalist who has decided to investigate the matter, especially after her son Aidan (David Dorfman) started drawing pictures of strange and disturbing visions. She travels to the same cabin where her niece saw the tape and watches it herself. That's when she receives the same call that she'll die in seven days. She turns to her ex Noah (Martin Henderson), an expert in video technology, for help, but he's convinced the tape is nothing more than a hoax... but is it?

      This film is partly why I always make sure where I live uses city and not well water. For the most part, remakes have bored me. They tend to be that kid in the candy store scenario where it's, "Hey, we got better technology now, so let's ramp everything up!" There are exceptions where the remake exceeds the original: The Thing, Inglourious Basterds, Ocean's Eleven, The Fly, not many people realize Ben-Hur was actually a remake, and this film, The Ring. The Ring is an extremely rare exception in that it's a remake of the Japanese original film Ringu and 99.9999999999% of the time I'm favoring the Japanese original 'cause no one's better at creeping the shit out of you than the Japanese. Here it all comes down to the cast and director Gore Verbinski. Together, Gore Verbinski and cinematographer Bojan Bazelli provide a visual style, both beautiful and haunting at the same time, that gets under your skin and leaves you unsettled. Naomi Watts is great in the first movie I ever saw her in and Martin Henderson and the never disappointing Brian Cox deliver solid supporting work as well. David Dorfman may be putting it on a bit thick with his "We get it. You're messed up." performance, but any flaws that may be found there is made up for through Daveigh Chase, who's able to make me never want a daughter while hardly uttering a word. With Tom Duffield's top-notch production design and Hans Zimmer's chilling score also on display, The Ring is a story that may be cliche, but its primary goal is to make sure you need a new pair of pants by the time it's done and it succeeds in doing so. Despite the downside in that following this movie we got a slew of crappy Japanese horror film remakes here in the States, this is a sharply directed, well edited and acted horror film sure to have you peeking away at the corner of the screen as you anxiously await the next scare.

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. It's time for October Horror Month to take its third dump in the can. This week's pick is a little cult film from 1997 that, for the sake of your children's innocence, should not be confused ever with the Michael Keaton family film of the same name.

      Hey, get it?! He said axed instead of ask! Jack Frost manages to do the unthinkable by ruining both Halloween and Christmas at the same time. Jack Frost (Scott MacDonald) is a serial killer who has been sentenced to death by electric chair. He swears revenge on Sheriff Sam Tiler (Chris Allport) - who arrested him - but on his way to the execution the snowy weather causes the prison truck to collide with a tanker that contains some genetic materials. Jack manages to break free, but only temporarily as he is doused with acid from the tanker. His body and bones melt into the snow and he is then transformed into a killer snowman... I'm gonna need MythBusters to run that one through their workshop 'cause it seems highly unlikely. Either way, would you like me to explain more?

      The special effects, or lack thereof, here define low budget; in fact, I'm wondering if Jack Frost was either a crappy CGI effect or just three giant styrofoam balls glued together. There are moments where it does appear to be an effect, but only in such a way that would make you believe you're watching a character you made up yourself while watching a Christmas episode of Gumby high on LSD. Most of the cast plays it straight and serious and in a film about three balls of snow with two eyes made out of coal on a murderous rampage, you expect nothing less. We get the 10 millionth FBI agent to act like a dickhead to the local law enforcement and, of course, there's gotta be that "one guy" that shows up to try and squeeze out any rational scientific explanation that he can get out of what happened with Frost. It had something to do with the soul being a chemical and the acid was gonna be used to contain DNA in case of a nuclear holocaust. I'm not sure, but it made a whole lot of sense. Oh, I love it when movies like this try and whip out the "explanation" to disastrous results. It's like witnessing the pipsqueak junior higher get pissed at one of the senior jocks (Fargo, The Godfather, Memento, pretty much any other movie), try and throw a punch at him, only to have the jock give him a major wedgie over the head, dunked head first in the toilet for a swirly, then stuffed in his locker. Scott MacDonald seems to be the only one going for broke as over-the-top as he gets. It's like he went, "Fuck it. I'm getting paid anyway.", then snorted some coke and read his lines in such a way that would make Robin Williams appear like Ben Stein. All the while, the producers wait 'til after his lines are read and recorded before telling MacDonald he's not getting paid 'cause, as I said earlier, the film had absolutely no budget. Well, they did, but they spent it on the bitchin' visual effects to create the killer snowman. Jack Frost is good for a number of unintentional laughs which you will get from viewing this. If anything, you can see Shannon Elizabeth in the first film she ever starred in... where she got raped and murdered by a snowman. I guess some will do anything to become a star and boy, did it pan out well for her. I had no idea Frosty could get so horny, but that explains the "Thumpetty thump thump" lyric. You'll never look at carrots the same again either.

Machete Kills

Cast of Characters:

Machete Cortez - Danny Trejo

Luz/She - Michelle Rodriguez

Madame Desdemona - Sofia Vergara

Miss San Antonio - Amber Heard

El Chameleon 4 - Antonio Banderas

El Chameleon 2 - Cuba Gooding, Jr.

El Chameleon 1 - Walton Goggins

Sheriff Doakes - William Sadler

Cereza - Vanessa Hudgens

Sartana Rivera - Jessica Alba

La Chameleon - Lady Gaga

President Rathcock - Charlie Sheen

Mendez - Demian Bichir

Luthor Voz - Mel Gibson

Director - Robert Rodriguez

Screenplay - Kyle Ward

Rated R for strong bloody violence throughout, language and some sexual content

      Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez, Amber Heard, Charlie Sheen and Academy Award winners Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Mel Gibson star in schlock film master Robert Rodriguez's sequel to the 2010 hit Machete, Machete Kills. 

      Hey, looks like all the Mexicans love Mandy Lane too! And, whoo! Who can blame 'em? Machete Cortez (Danny Trejo) is back, this time recruited by US President Rathcock (Charlie Sheen) to stop madman Mexican revolutionary Mendez (Demian Bichir) from launching a missile aimed at Washington, D.C. To help Machete, the president enlists Miss San Antonio (Amber Heard), an undercover federal agent.

      Machete soon finds out there's more to this threat when he finds out Mendez is working for international arms dealing terrorist Luthor Voz (Mel Gibson), who has launched a conspiracy to start riots across the world.

      Who does schlock better than Rodriguez? From Dusk Till Dawn, Planet Terror and this film's predecessor Machete are just three great examples of his tip of the hat to the 70's schlock genre. There's really nothing here to be taken seriously and if you do then you've missed the point of this film entirely. The point of this film is ridiculous fun and although it has its flaws, it does provide the viewer with a fun time. Like any Rodriguez film nowadays, you expect to see stars and like his friend Tarantino, Rodriguez has managed to always land big celebrities from Bruce Willis, Elijah Wood, Clive Owen and Mickey Rourke, former big stars from prior decades now lining up to take anything such as Steven Seagal, Rutger Hauer, Michael Biehn, and Don Johnson to Oscar winners Robert De Niro and now Mel Gibson. Like any his projects, the cast delivers and it's not that you're expecting Oscar caliber work from anyone. They just show up and have fun with the material. Danny Trejo (who owes his life and soul to Rodriguez) has been one of Rodriguez's go-to guys along with Cheech Marin and makeup artist Tom Savini (who shows up here as well). For the most part, he's always been that "one guy with the familiar face" who dies within the first 20-30 minutes, but he sure fits the part of Machete. He doesn't get much dialogue that goes beyond one sentence each ("Machete don't tweet!"), but it's hard to imagine anyone else in this type of role. The problem with the film though ironically happens to also be one of the fun aspects of the film: there's too much going on with the supporting crew. Hey, I love seeing Sofia Vergara in skimpy attire shooting bullets out of a steel bra as much as any other hormone driven guy. You could take her out of the script and the story still flows. The same could be said about the "El/La Chameleon" character. Cuba Gooding, Jr. is a great actor and I think it's unfortunate that he gets a bad wrap 'cause he has picked more than his fair share of horrible movies and where the hell has Antonio Banderas been at lately? Once again, though, take them out of the film, the story can still flow. That said, other supporting characters do work. Amber Heard managed to age seven years from Tuesday when I saw All the Boys Love Mandy Lane to Friday when I saw this film and she has a hilarious sight gag during a sex scene with Machete. It would've been funnier if it wasn't for the fact that I was slightly pissed someone that looks like Danny Trejo can get someone that looks like Amber Heard. Charlie Sheen (credited here with his birth name Carlos Estevez) has a ball poking fun at his bad boy image. Demian Bichir is great in easily the most allowable over-the-top performance out of the entire cast, and of course, there's Mel Gibson. Now, I've been and still am a Gibson defender, not for what he's done, but 'cause of the fact that, seriously, he's not the first celebrity to do or say something very stupid (Robert Downey, Jr. anyone?). I've said and hand signaled worse to the idiot driver in front of me on my way to work a couple days ago. I'm just smart enough not to have it leaked to TMZ, but dumb enough to tell you all on blogger.com. Rant aside, I thought it was great seeing him again. It's not a "comeback" role. That would be The Beaver two ago, but Gibson goes all out, chews the scenery and say what you want about him, of course. What you can't say is that he can't act, and he's a lot of fun here as the Bond-esque villain. Makes me curious to see how he does now as the villain in the next Expendables movie. Then again, if you're clearly without sin, you may wanna avoid this.

      This doesn't rank up there with Sin City and Planet Terror (my two favorite Rodriguez films), and it doesn't quite sit up there with its predecessor, but it could've been worse. We could've gotten a sequel to The Faculty or another Spy Kids film. In spite of the unnecessary subplots and characters, though, there's no denying that everyone involved is having a great time here and that's evident onscreen. You can't blame the performers for that. Some will hate the goofiness of this film, but it's hard to critique a film on being ridiculous when that's the film's intention. I wish we could've gotten more Machete and less needless characters 'cause he is the main character. The title says so and we all just wanna see Trejo fling that machete around and chop body parts up. It's still provides some entertaining popcorn fun and if you're up for the ride it's worth a Friday night rental or even a weekend matinee. I give Machete a B (★★★).

REVIEWS COMING LATER NEXT WEEK...

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week

Carrie

Escape Plan

The Fifth Estate

The Dirties

Cast of Characters:

Matt - Matthew Johnson

Owen - Owen Williams

Chrissy H. - Krista Madison

Jackman - Brandon Wickens

Mr. Muldoon - David Matheson

Director - Matthew Johnson

Screenplay - Matthew Johnson & Evan Morgan

Not Rated

      Matthew Johnson writes, directs and costars with Owen Williams in the dark comedy indie flick The Dirties. Kevin Smith said this is by far the most important movie you will see all year. Could he be right... or perhaps he's just full of shit? After all, I still haven't forgiven him for directing Cop Out.

      Wow, those anti-bullying campaigns are really stepping up their efforts. Matt (Matthew Johnson) and Owen (Owen Williams) are high school film students in the midst of filming their own movie about two guys that seek revenge on a school bullying gang known as "The Dirties". Having absolutely no budget whatsoever, the two have to get rather creative to make their little film work. However, after showing a rough cut to their teacher Mr. Muldoon (David Matheson), Muldoon wants them to make drastic editing changes as he feels the language is too much and the school shooting scenes, although fake, are inappropriate for high schoolers.

      The film takes a turn for the worse mentally when Matt decides to film himself actually killing the Dirties, who throughout the film actually bully him and Owen at school. At first, Owen thinks it's just a really twisted joke by his best friend, but as the film progresses he starts realize Matt's far more serious about this than he is.

      "When something happens to you on camera, it's like it's not really happening." That's the justification Matt uses for his rather extreme anti-bullying campaign. The Dirties is an independent film out of Canada that happened to have caught the eye of Kevin Smith - one who's own film career got started with a little low-budget film called Clerks. While it's not a masterpiece, I still thoroughly enjoyed The Dirties in all its dark glory. The first act provides us with some funny and clever moments from Matt and Owen as they come up with cheaply effective ways to make their film. They reminded me a lot of my short-film making days right out of high school where I'd find whatever ways I could to save a buck (who needs two film sets when you have a front and back porch - BAM! Two home locations right there). We also get a number of catchy references to films like Pulp Fiction and Blazing Saddles as well as the acclaimed novel The Catcher in the Rye, the highly controversial book due to the number of shootings associated with it (Matt jokes with Owen that he's gonna check out six copies of it so the librarian thinks he's nuts). The second and third acts show Matt slowly descending into sociopathy as he plans on his school shooting, going as far as achieving blueprints (very easily too he points out to Owen) and mapping out which student is where and at what times throughout the day. It's hard to make a film that balances dark humor with a touchy subject as a school shooting. Earlier this year, Pain & Gain was able to handle real life events in Florida that involved innocents dying just right, balancing the humor with the seriousness of the crimes effectively (the big surprise being that it was a Michael Bay film, a director who's films I've never liked, even hated at times). The key was the filmmakers being in on the joke while the characters weren't. We never laughed with Wahlberg, Johnson and Mackie, we were laughing at their stupidity and that's the case here with the character of Matt. At first, we laugh at his stupidity much like his friend Owen does, but then we also begin to grow more and more horrified like Owen when we see Matt diving deeper and deeper into alienation with his plans. It's a tricky balancing act, but Matthew Johnson pulls off a solid and effective effort.

      Is Johnson another Kevin Smith in the making? Well, time and future projects will tell, but The Dirties at the least gets me to look forward to his next project. It's smoothly paced, edited well, the characters are well-written and developed, and the performances, most of them improvised, are genuine and natural. Some may find the way the film ends frustrating, but I felt it was just right, especially considering the relationship between the two (that's all I'll say about it). One question though: does the cameraman realize he's officially become the world's most anonymous accomplice? I give The Dirties an A- (★★★½).

Captain Phillips

Cast of Characters:

Captain Richard Phillips - Tom Hanks

Muse - Barkhad Abdi

Director - Paul Greengrass

Screenplay - Billy Ray

Based upon the book A Captain's Duty: Somali Pirates, Navy SEALs, and Dangerous Days at Sea by Richard Phillips with Stephan Talty

Rated PG-13 for sustained intense sequences of menace, some violence with bloody images and for substance abuse

      Academy Award winner Tom Hanks takes on the role of real life merchant mariner Captain Richard Phillips in Paul Greengrass's Captain Phillips, based on the Maersk Alabama hijacking of 2009.

      Captain Richard Phillips (Tom Hanks) leads the crew of the American container ship Maersk Alabama. In April of 2009, 145 miles off the coast of Somalia, Captain Phillips and his crew were attacked and hijacked by an armed band of Somali pirates, led by "Muse" (Barkhad Abdi).

      With the Navy SEALs alerted and on their way to put an end to the situation, it is up to Captain Phillips beforehand to ensure not only his safety, but more importantly, the safety of his crewmen.

      Having won two Best Actor Oscars, in back to back years, almost twenty years ago, Tom Hanks is one of the greatest living actors we have today. That said, the past ten years have been somewhat on and off for him. Pardon the pun, but Captain Phillips rights that ship with a physically demanding performance by Hanks that proves to be his best work since Larry Crowne... Whoops, I'm sorry. I have a bit of Tourette's where I just blurt out phrases that make no sense. I meant to say Cast Away. Whether it's a simple conversation about the kids with his wife (a cameo appearance from Academy Award nominee Catherine Keener) at the beginning, overseeing his crew, or trying to negotiate with the Somali pirates, there wasn't a moment Hanks is onscreen where I wasn't reminded why he's a multiple Oscar winner and why there's a good chance he may be adding another Best Actor nomination come next year. We all expect this from Hanks, but the real surprise is Barkhad Abdi, who is absolutely brilliant as the head pirate Muse. I've never heard of this guy before this movie; in fact, I don't think anyone has, but what a hell of an entrance he makes. Kudos to casting director Francine Maisler for going the unknown route and making such great casting choices for the pirates. It's one thing to give a great debut performance, but to do that going head to head with Tom Hanks, in intimidating fashion no less, for most of the movie? It's superb work from Abdi that's strong enough to merit Best Supporting Actor consideration. Writer Billy Ray doesn't just give us cardboard cutout "villains". We see their situation as well. We never in the slightest feel any sympathy for these criminals, nor should we, but we still see and understand why they're all desperately taking the last resort. As for director Paul Greengrass, I've been impressed with most of his works (The Green Zone was just okay). He's obviously well known for popularizing the "shaky-cam" technique, a double-edged sword in that it worked great for the Bourne films, but dammit, now every action film director wants to use it and it has definitely worn out its welcome. Thankfully, Greengrass ditches that technique here, for the most part, and delivers the intensity through the story and the performances. It's smart and strongly paced direction from him that's just shy of what he brought to United 93, but in some ways, better than the Bourne films.

      Whether you're familiar with these events that took place four years ago or not, this is a well written, smartly directed, and superbly acted pulse-pounding thriller that's able to keep you on the edge of your seat, and like United 93 before it, is still able to handle the topic with respect. The climactic showdown with the SEALs will certainly leave you emotionally drained and those final moments with Hanks shows you why he's one of the best. I give Captain Phillips an A (★★★★).     

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

Cast of Characters:

Mandy Lane - Amber Heard

Emmet - Michael Welch

Chloe - Whitney Able

Bird - Edwin Hodge

Red - Aaron Himelstein

Jake - Luke Grimes

Marlin - Melissa Price

Dylan - Adam Powell

Aunt Jo - Peyton Hayslip

Cousin Jen - Brooke Bloom

Keg Trucker - Robert Earl Keen

Garth - Anson Mount

Director - Jonathan Levine

Screenplay - Jacob Forman

Rated R for strong disturbing violence, pervasive drug and alcohol use, sexuality/nudity and language - all involving teens

      Amber Heard stars in the slasher flick All the Boys Love Mandy Lane. Well, tell me then, if everyone supposedly loves her so much, why didn't it get released here in America until 7 years after it was made, huh?

      Mandy Lane (Amber Heard) is the most talked about high school girl amongst all the boys... and by that, I mean they wanna sleep with her. Too bad for all the hormone raging boys, she's harder to get inside of than Fort Knox. Red (Aaron Himelstein) keeps his fingers crossed though when he invites her and a group of friends over to his father's ranch for a party. The friends are Jake (Luke Grimes) - the dickhead, Jake's girl Marlin (Melissa Price) - the slut, Chloe (Whitney Able) - hey, another slut, and Bird (Edwin Hodge) - the token black guy.

      They show up at the ranch and despite the fact they're being "supervised" by ranch hand Garth (Anson Mount), these things are bound to happen: underage drinking will occur, there will be sex in a barn at some point, the dickhead will treat his girl like shit 'cause... well, he's a dickhead, oh, and people will die. Oh, so that's why the release date got postponed forever.

      As mentioned up above, despite being released here in 2013, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane was first conceived in 2003 and filmed in 2006. Due to the poor box office performance of Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino's Grindhouse films (which, I don't care what anyone says, I loved, but it still didn't make money), the Weinstein Company pulled the plug on it and sold the film to Senator Entertainment US... which went out of business. After a few more years of waiting in film distribution hell, it finally got its release this year, and I gotta tell you, this film could've been postponed for another 7 years for all I care. It it a terrible film? Well, it could've. The writing is weak, predictable and uses all of the cliche slasher film setups that we've seen hundreds - no thousands - no millions of times before and quite frankly I've grown sick and tired of. For example, we once again get the couple that fight and split, which leads to one of them dying and of course, a film like this can't do without that ranch hand that stands back in the distance with that silent stare and makes you think "Oh, yeah, he's definitely the killer 'cause he's got that cold, silent stare going on.", but then you end up just being dead wrong. For whatever reason, they keep the killer's identity a secret 'til the final act, a poor move on the writer and director's part considering I had the identity figured out in the first act, and wow, I was right! Would just having the killer's identity revealed from the get-go have made this a great film? No, but it would've been one less criticism. What keeps this film from being terrible? That would be the lovely Amber Heard (weird seeing her in a movie this year where she looks so young, but we're all about to see just how "grown up" she's gotten in Robert Rodriguez's Machete Kills tomorrow) and more importantly, the fact that it's actually made pretty well. Heard has a terrific screen presence and I'm not just saying that 'cause she's obviously gorgeous. I'm still convinced she can act. The problem is she keeps picking movies that are crap. She does what she can here, but there's not much for her to work with anyway. Seriously, Amber, there's nothing wrong with being a little selective. Just 'cause you were in Drive Angry with Nicolas Cage, doesn't mean you have to be like him in picking every single script that comes flying your way. Director Jonathan Levine and cinematographer Darren Genet provide some nice touches to the film. From a technical standpoint, it looks great. The story and the writing is just so flat and the whole time I was wondering what exactly had Levine drawn to this? Earlier this year, he wrote and directed the quirky and funny film Warm Bodies and before that directed 50/50, which showcased both Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogen in some of their best work, if not their best. Levine is a solid director and he does what he can with such a conventional horror story, but he can do so much better.

      While not horrible, it's still not quite worth the time either. It's very well made and I really enjoyed how it looked, but a nice and shiny, polished turd is still a turd. If you are interested in seeing it, On Demand already has it and it'll be in limited theatrical release starting tomorrow, but in all honesty, you'd be better off renting either 50/50 or Warm Bodies by Levine instead. I give All the Boys Love Mandy Lane a C- (★★).