Monday, May 27, 2013

What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Happy Memorial Day, readers. Hope your holiday weekend has been going well. Today I have a new "What the Hell Were They Thinking?!" pick for you. This week's pick is - wow, what a surprise - a Syfy Channel original film starring Corin Nemec from the 90's show, Parker Lewis Can't Lose. Remember that show? Neither can I.


      Mansquito (aka Mosquitoman) begins with Dr. Jennifer Allen (Musetta Vander) in Baltimore, Maryland, trying to find a cure for the Gillian virus, a virus similar to West Nile but slightly more deadly. Both she and a colleague of hers have collected a number of infected mosquitoes and injecting them with radiation. Why? Who knows, but it has to be the exact levels despite not specifying what exactly are the "exact" levels. It always has to be "exact" levels; otherwise the shit hits the fan. Meanwhile convicted felon Ray (Matt Jordon) agrees to become a test subject in exchange for his life sentence. The police transport Ray to the facility and in a sudden moment of rational decision making, he takes a hostage and demands Dr. Allen to open the experiment room. The police open fire which causes an explosion within the experiment room, dousing both Ray and Dr. Allen with the chemicals containing, yes, the exact levels of radiation. This resulting accident transforms Ray into a mosquito... a six foot, blood thirsty, jacked on "the juice" mosquito. Dr. Allen, having also been infected from the accident returns home to her boyfriend, Lt. Tom Randall (Corin Nemec), and begins to notice that she's changing, but not as fast as Ray did. Thankfully, she has antibodies within her system called a plot contrivance that keep her from rapidly transforming.

      This film shares a lot of similarities with 1986's The Fly, starring Jeff Goldblum, and in a way Mansquito is just like the David Cronenberg thriller... minus the great performances from both Goldblum and Geena Davis, the Oscar winning makeup effects, the sharp direction from Cronenberg, and the slow, tense pacing of Goldblum's transformation. You know, while watching this movie, my mind started to wander a bit. Halfway through I started thinking, what's the deal here? It's a six foot mosquito with a bit of roid rage. Get a fireman's hose and about a hundred gallons of Off! Problem solved. Exact levels be damned, just hose the son of a bitch. If in the event he does stab you with his dagger like Proboscis and starts sucking your blood, just flex your muscles. Mosquitoes hate it when you do that. The acting was so atrocious I started to suspect the filmmakers just did a casting call through Craigslist, or just posted an ad bulletin at a nearby laundromat. Corin Nemec was the "big get" here, and he must've been ecstatic to see his name put before the film's title. See, you're a star then. Must've been a greater feeling than even starring in Operation Dumbo Drop - the high point of his career. His performance was absolutely, well, I wasn't really paying attention to his performance. I was more wondering how the hell the Mansquito could kill any other human within seconds, yet this cop with the douchy looking slicked back hairstyle that looks like he couldn't even fight off a Care Bear is somehow able to fight him off with a taser. The transformation scene with Ray was - well, it has to be seen. The best way I can describe his face being formed into the head of a mosquito is it's similar to that Windows screensaver with the morphing cube of different colors. The only difference is the screensaver's more breathtaking. I remember John Landis's great film, An American Werewolf in London. That scene where David Kessler transforms into the werewolf was groundbreaking not only in terms of makeup effects, but visual effects as well. We've come a long way since 1981 in terms of film effects, and apparently this film didn't get the memo. Of course, like any other God awful monster flick, the female doctor's always this smoking hot bombshell, which explains why she doesn't transform as fast as the convict does. Oh, they'll give her a few small transformation spots here and there and turn her eyes bloodshot red, but that's about it. Other than that, her morphing moments consist of her in the bathroom ripping her shirt off, crouching down in her bra and panties and moaning in pain. Oh, that explains it! I was expecting a shower head to pop on and splash her with water while she tosses her luxurious hair in slow motion to Warrant's "Cherry Pie". Finally, I gotta bring this up. Just how the hell does a film like this - and I'm positive this ain't the case for just this Syfy Channel film - get pitched to the studio heads? "So get this. We start off with this deadly virus that can wipe out humanity, and we'll throw in phrases like West Nile virus and 'exact levels of radiation' so people will think this is a taut, intelligent thriller. Then we have a guy turn into a big mosquito." "Well, that sounds promising! I like the little 'exact levels of radiation' touch. Makes the film more scientifically credible than people will give us credit for. Say, can you have the doctor look like a porn star?" "Uh - yeah. Why would we have it any other way? You're gonna love her transformation scene!" "Outstanding! Here's millions of dollars! I was gonna wipe my ass with it anyway."

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