What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. It's gonna be a packed week here, so let's kick things off first with my weekly tribute to crap. This week's pick is, of course, another Syfy channel flick. They live for moments like these.

      Lake Placid 2 opens with the disappearance of a researcher in Lake Placid. Sheriff James Riley (John Schneider), along with Emma Warner (Sarah LaFleur), a member of the Fish and Wildlife Department, go down to the lake to see what all the ruckus is. Well, it turns out that ruckus is a twenty foot crocodile that's been getting fed hormone enhanced meat by Sadie Bickerman (Cloris Leachman), the sister of Delores from Lake Placid. Shame, even the reptiles are doping these days. The crocodile, probably pissed at being the product of poorly done CGI, winds up on a feeding frenzy (in deep, booming trailer voice: "But this time... it's the humans."), and it'll be up to Clark Kent's dad himself to save the day.

      So I don't even know where to begin. For starters, the acting is downright atrocious. I literally wanted to take a gun, stick it to my temple - Okay, stop! I can't do this. I just can't. This is going nowhere, so I'm gonna bow out. Maybe someone else can handle this...

      Welcome to Lincoln County. You probably noticed there's something different here. Well, this is Lincoln County - they do things different here. Trouble's been a brewin' lately... Well, it's Lincoln, it's in a hurry, and it ain't a Duke. So whoever that fella is, he's probably up to no good. You see, Bo here's got his hands full with not just a vicious reptilian monster, but some fairly horrendous dialogue. Turns out this massively horrible special effect has a taste for topless girls with a knack for horrible acting. It ain't April fool, and I ain't got no fever, but I'm rootin' for the crocodile. It won't be easy takin' this fella down, what with Boss Bickerman standing in the way. She's a nasty old bitch, but you can't blame her. She's won an Oscar and so many doggone Emmy Awards she's now at that point in her career where she just says, "Fuck it. What you payin' me?" Meanwhile, that croc is just tearing up through every token douchebag boyfriend, topless hussy and blubbering sidekick so fast, you'll plum shit yourself when you come to find that there colored fella actually made it through three-fourths of the film. Hee-hee, yep, the hen-house is empty. The croc is lickin' off chicken feathers and Duke's goose is about to be cooked. Good thing this film's riddled with so many contrivances and plot holes he can just hide inside one of them. So, you see, that's the way it goes in Lincoln. Where a Duke will perform so badly you'll almost forget he was on a smash hit TV show based on the most iconic superhero of all-time. That's plum typical of the Dukes of Lincoln. Too bad Luke was too busy getting cast in a Quentin Tarantino film to give you a hand, Bo.