What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers, happy Monday to you all. It's that time again for my weekly tribute to films that make you question whether there's any hope left for humanity. This week's a good one.

      ... Okay... Mega Piranha is about genetically modified (What a refreshing surprise!) Piranhas from the Orinoco River in Venezuela. Through human interference, the Piranhas manage to escape and set course for Florida. Gradually, the fish keep getting bigger and bigger by some sort of means that the screenwriters - God bless 'em - try to pass off as scientific fact. Either way, a lot of people are gonna get their asses handed to them by these aquatic creatures and it'll be up to former pop singer Tiffany and Greg Brady to save the day... Wait - what?! Well, I guess that means we're all royally fucked.

      This film sets the standard for all shitty films to follow. The acting's bad. No, I'm going with atrocious. Nah, actually I'm going with a bad on par with watching that video from The Ring. After watching Mega Piranha, you could very well die in seven days. Is it 'cause that creepy girl Samara Morgan's coming for you? No, but it could be that you throw yourself from a skyscraper by the end of the week to rid yourself of the images this movie throws at you. You'll at least die laughing 'cause I really can't emphasize how bad the acting is. It's literally watching the cast hesitate to say their lines while they wait for their cues. Then again, you expect this when the film's big "get" is Barry Williams aka Greg Brady. Then there's the editing and, holy shit, who was in charge of that? Did they stick an eight year old boy with ADHD in the editing room and say, "Make it happen... Oh, and we hid your Ritalin, so good luck!" The clip you saw up above, that was not cut or edited in any way to make it look like that. What you see is what you get from this movie. Plus, the ending just shows up abruptly. Something tells me the filmmakers just said, "Fuck it. That's good enough." I for one, will not tolerate such shoddy filmmaking, so I drummed up proper ending to this horrible script. Cue the intro!

Mike Brady: "Greg, could you come here. We need to have a talk, son."

Greg Brady: "Oh, jeepers, dad, what is it?"

Mike Brady: "Your mother tells me you did a film solely for the money. She says it was pretty bad too. Maybe even dog shit... Is that true, Greg?"

Greg Brady: "Well, dad... yeah, it is. You're not mad, are you?"

(Audience awws)

Mike Brady: "No, son, I'm not. I'm just disappointed."

Greg Brady: "I just wanted to be popular, dad. All the cool kids at school said this movie would be neato. What's wrong with wanting to be liked?"

Mike Brady: "Heck, Greg, nothing's wrong with that, but you said the same thing when you took that cameo role in Dick Roberts: Former Child Star, which who are we kidding, was the only high point you had in the past twenty years."

Alice: "Ho ho, that's a pretty low high if you ask me, Mr. Brady, he he!"

(Audience laughs)

Mike Brady: "Hey, Alice, could you check on dinner... and could you also maybe perhaps shut your fucking piehole?"

Greg Brady: "Well, my classmates are all just a bunch of nincompoops! It's just not fair. Marcia's able to get anyone to like her with her pretty face and smoking hot bod."

Mike Brady: "Now, now, Greg, that's your sis..."

Greg Brady: "Only by law... and I swear I walked in on her getting dressed on accident!"

Mike Brady: "Look, son. It's understandable that some like Tiffany are so desperate for relevancy again, they're doling out BJs and Handys to the entire film crew... but you're a Brady, and you're better than that. See, a real friend likes you for who you are, not what pile of shit film you're in. If you judge your friends for passing judgment on you, you're not only judging yourself you're judging your friends for judging you. And that would be using bad judgment... Understand, Greg?"

Greg Brady: "Yeah, I guess so."

(Audience awws as Mike and Greg hug)

Greg Brady: "Hey, dad?"

Mike Brady: "Yes, Greg?"

Greg Brady: "How come you and mom never hug or kiss?"

Mike Brady: "Well - uh - well - whoo... You see..."

Cindy Brady: "Gee whithz, dad. Have you theen my hamthter Thnowflake? I think I lotht him."

(Audience applauds as Mike looks at the camera and shrugs his shoulders)