What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. It’s a new week, and time for “What the Hell Were They Thinking?!” This week’s pick is a request made by EJ Young, a reader here, who’s a horror film fanatic that collects even what he refers to as the “shitty ones”. This one in particular, even he couldn't make it through the first forty minutes without finally turning it off, so I gave it a watch per request, and yes, I sat through the whole film.

      Holy cliche, Batman! The black guy makes it this far in the movie?! Ryan, wait for the gate to open. We only have a chainsaw wielding, batshit crazy as hell, lunatic mother fucker coming after us. No big deal. Texas Chainsaw 3D (Yes, that's right. I said 3D) opens with film footage from the original classic, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. From there, the film picks up after the events from the original film with the people of Newt, Texas, led by Mayor Burt Hartman (Paul Rae), burning down the farmhouse of the Sawyer family for their role in aiding the murders of Jedidiah "Leatherface" Sawyer (Dan Yeager). The town presumes the family is dead, but oh my God, spoiler alert, someone survives. That survivor formerly known as Edith Sawyer has been raised by two dimwitted morons - who happened to have taken part in the town revolt - as Heather Miller (Alexandra Daddario). She gets some mail regarding her inheriting a house from her deceased grandmother Verna Carson (Marilyn Burns). Turns out her so called parents forgot to tell her she was adopted, 'cause they're idiots. So Heather goes to the place with her friends. Leatherface happens to be there, and yadda yadda yadda, people die.

      Okay, here we go. Cliche count right now, 'cause this film not only broke every cliche in the book, I believe it invented some too if that's even possible. 1) Hey, wow, her adopted parents are a bunch of beer sipping dumb asses. 2) Heather gets a letter from her recently discovered dead granny giving her a house. She's gotta meet the lawyer involved, so I guess that means road trip! Let's bring the friends. That way the movie has at least someone to kill. 3) They pick up a hitchhiker who seems nice. That means he's really a dick and is gonna screw you over somehow. He's also the token black guy's best friend, or I should say he should be 'cause that means the hitcher's gonna bite the dust first. 4) The lawyer doesn't feel comfortable entering the house. Yeah, that's not a red flag at all. 5) Well, imagine that. The gang goes out to get food and the hitcher stays behind so he can rob them. Dude! Sweet, there's a secret doorway and it leads to a dark, creepy looking basement that might lead to my unbelievably horrific death... I better go check it out... And there's victim #1. 6) The police and mayor in town seem really nice, almost too nice. It'd be hard to believe if they turn out to be assholes toward the film's climax. 7) Victim #2 basically repeats what Victim #1 does. 8) Damn shame. The black guy finally dies. You sir, are a barrier breaker. 9) One of the cops goes to the house by himself. Yes, believe it or not, he dies. 10) Whoa, the mayor ends up being the real bad guy. You know how socially unacceptable you have to be to out-villainize a man wearing human flesh on his face and when not slicing people up with his chainsaw, he's slamming a meat hook into them? 11) Hey, look at that, the lead girl and Leatherface are related. "Do your best, cuz!", she excitedly yells as she flashes a shit eating grin and tosses him his chainsaw. Awww, yeah! A hells yeah to teamwork, and a big hells yeah to family! Wait! Cue the theme song to Family Ties right now. "What would we do, baby... without love... Sha-la-la-la!" Yes, she really does say, "Do your best, cuz!" Seriously, I'm not joking. She does. 12) After Heather becomes Leatherface's new caretaker, her adopted parents show up to maybe get some of the assets. They don't get any assets; however, they do die. How could we forget? It's in 3D! Fucking A! Yeah, just imagine all the blood and guts and entrails flying out of the screen right at you! Hell, they should've had a guy just stand in front of the screen and douse you with buckets of blood. Overall, though, I gotta admit. This film was dog shit. What did you think I was gonna say? Throwing in footage from the original film doesn't save it, neither does having some of the original cast pop up in cameos. If anything, watching the performances are good for a laugh. You know the type of performers you see in porn, and then the ones that aren't even good enough to act in porn? It's worse that that.