What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. This week marks the release of a small budget, indie film called Man of Steel. You may or may not have heard of it considering it's been under the radar for the past year or so. Being that I'm a big Superman fan and have been one since a little kid, I decided I would devote both opening week segments of "What the Hell Were They Thinking" and "Benjamin's Stash: Video Pick of the Week" to a particular Superman film. Out of the entire film franchise, there's at least one that deservedly belongs in each segment, and here's the stinker.

      Don't worry, Superman. Nuclear Man said he'd hurt people, but then proceeded to focus his blonde, bouffant-mulleted wrath on objects such as cars, vendor stands, and fire hydrants. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace once again brings back arch-nemesis Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman) back to wreak havoc on the citizens of Metropolis. Freed from a prison chain gang by his nephew Lenny (Jon Cryer), Luthor manages to find a strand of Kal-El's hair, used to hold a half ton wrecking ball in a weight demonstration, at a museum. Using the strand of hair, he's able to clone a supervillain in the same genetic mold as Superman. Lex then attaches the genetic matrix to a nuclear missile about to used in a test launch. After the missile is launched, Superman intercepts it and launches it into the sun. This brings about an energy discharge from the sun, which in turn creates Nuclear Man (Mark Pillow). According to Luthor, the energy from the sun gives Nuclear Man immense superpowers like Kal-El, but he deactivates if there is no sunlight. Meanwhile, Clark Kent (Christopher Reeve) is struggling with issues of his own. For one, the newspaper organization he works for, the Daily Planet, has been taken over by a tabloid tycoon who has fired beloved chief editor Perry White (Jackie Cooper). On top of that, Clark is also thrown in the midst of a love triangle between Lois Lane (Margot Kidder) and Lacy Warfield (Mariel Hemingway), the tycoons daughter. Following the creation of Nuclear Man and the increasing threat of a possible nuclear war between the Soviet Union and America, Clark's alter-ego Superman faces the tough choice of whether he should intervene in the affairs of the humans.

      In essence, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is the Batman & Robin of the Superman film franchise. Yes, it's that bad. Did you not see the clip? I don't even know where to begin. The filmmakers pulled off quite a feat by making the special effects in this 1987 entry absolutely horrendous. 1978's Superman, while not in the same league in terms of effects in today's CGI dominated era, still utilized groundbreaking visuals and effects for that time, and compared to this movie, it's like a J. J. Abrams film. Even the opening credits to the first film, combined with John Williams's energetic and rousing score, was visually wonderful. Here you'd swear they just ran it off Corel Presentations. The acting is atrocious. The legendary Oscar winner Gene Hackman hams it up and phones in the entirety of his performance. There's one scene in particular where he's counting a mountain of cash possibly in the billions. There's no doubt in my mind a similar occurrence took place at Warner Bros. Studios. Mark Pillow as Nuclear Man looks like the frontman for a Cinderella cover band more than a menacing villain ("I will hurt people!"). Jon Cryer, who at the time was probably best known as Phil "Duckie" Dale in Pretty in Pink, couldn't be any more wasted on a superfluous character than he is here. Any attempt at humor, which worked in the first two films partly due to Richard Donner's direction and Mario Puzo's writing, here falls completely flat. Finally, and most importantly, any connection between Reeve and Kidder is gone as they are given nothing to work with. One of the great elements of the first two Superman films was the charming and sweet chemistry between Reeve's Clark Kent/Superman and Kidder's Lois Lane. We didn't get that in Superman III. We didn't get it in Bryan Singer's Superman Returns in 2006, and we definitely don't get it here. The extended flying scene together alone in Superman had more heart in it than the entirety of all three of those previously mentioned films combined. Oh, and need I mention the scene in which Nuclear Man takes Lacy into space and she can somehow still breath? I've debated with people before on the scene in Superman where Kal-El turns back time. I'm fully aware in reality that could not take place, but compared to a HUMAN BEING ABLE TO BREATH IN OUTER SPACE it's not only a credible story line, it's almost as credible as Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation. Hell, even as a little kid I was left wondering why Lacy didn't have a spacesuit on. Take notes, Zack Snyder. The bar has been set this low. You'll find it. It's right next to Joel Schumacher. I bet you, Goyer, and Nolan could've filmed Man of Steel entirely blindfold with arms tied behind back, and still produce a more entertaining and worthwhile film.