What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. Happy Labor Day to you all. Hope you're having a safe and fun holiday weekend.  Today's crap-fest pick was supposed to be last week's, but my DVR deleted the recording before I could get around to seeing it. Could be a sign it was looking out for me, who knows? Anyway, I finally got around to seeing it. If you all gather around the barrel and look straight down, all the way to the very bottom, you'll find it there.

      Ghost Shark... is exactly that. After a Great White shark attacks a fisherman's boat and eats one of the fishermen, the remaining two survivors on board shoot the shark dead. Its body sinks to the bottom of an underwater cave where it magically is resurrected as a ghost. How and why exactly? I could care less, but the screenwriters, I'm sure, tried their damn best to squeak out a passable origin story by simply squatting over some paper. So the shark is now a ghost and that means if you're anywhere near water, you're dead. Going swimming in the lake? Dead. Going swimming in your pool? Dead. Slip and slide? Dead! Taking a shower? Dead! Drinking a glass of water?! Dead! Brushing your teeth?! Yep... dead! Doing the dishes or washing your car?! Well, your responsible behavior is admirable... but you're dead. It'll be up to four young over-acting individuals - Ruthie Camden (Mackenzie Rosman), her sister (Sloane Coe), the token good guy that wants to bed both of them (Dave Davis)... and the black guy (Jaren Mitchell) - as well as the typical police force that doesn't believe any of the rational explanations coming out of those kids's mouths and the cliche drunk lighthouse keeper (Richard Moll) - who, if this was an episode of Scooby Doo, would be the villain - to save the day. Three things I wanna point out. Firstly, shame on you police... Chief Brody would definitely have believed them. Secondly, shame on you writer Paul A. Birkett. You should know by now that Great Whites are not freshwater fish. Terrible scientific blunder on your part and I always expected better from Syfy. Thirdly... holy hell... Is that Bull Shannon? Dude, hit it!

Bull Shannon: "All rise."

(Audience applauds and cheers as Judge Harry Stone enters the room)

Judge Harry Stone: "Well, Mac, what do we have today?"

Mac Robinson: "We got a good one. Man by the name of Paul A. Birkett, getting sued by the Great White shark community for defamation of character."

Bull Shannon: "How do you poop on someone's character?"

Judge Harry Stone: "That's defecate, Bull."

(Audience laughs as Bull chuckles a bit)

Bull Shannon: "Ohh-kay."

Judge Harry Stone: "Will the Counsel please approach the bench."

Christine Sullivan: "Your Honor, my client here, Mr. Birkett, pleads not guilty. Freedom of speech, this is an open and shut..."

Judge Harry Stone: "Uh - Christine, where's Dan?"

Christine Sullivan: "You kidding me? You're surprised at Dan's lack of punctuality? Please, that boorish, misogynistic pig is probably out in the parking lot getting a handy."

(Audience applauds and cheers as Dan Fielding runs through the entrance)

Dan Fielding: "Sorry, I'm late! Sorry, I'm late, everybody! I'm here. I was just getting a handy out in the parking lot."

(Audience roars in laughter)

Dan Fielding: "Your Honor, Mr. Birkett is just one of many culprits at Syfy that have, for years, been known for their rather immature depictions of the majestic Great White shark. Ghost Shark is just the tip of the iceberg. There's also Sharknado, Sharktopus, Shark in Venice, Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy, 2-Headed Shark Attack, and who could forget Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus. See a pattern here? It's all horse shit, and to be honest, none of this would've ever come about if it wasn't for that slimy son of a bitch Spielberg first giving sharks a bad name in Jaws!"

Christine Sullivan: "Weren't you in those Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies?"

Dan Fielding: "Hey, the first one is hailed as a horror classic!"

Christine Sullivan: "True, but explain the needless remake and its prequel."

Dan Fielding: "I was just the narrator. That hardly counts!"

Christine Sullivan: "Demon Knight?"

Dan Fielding: "That doesn't count! I went uncredited for a reason."

Christine Sullivan: "Beethoven's 5th?"

(pause)

Dan Fielding: "Okay, you got me there, but I was in Oliver Stone's JFK. You hear me?! JF-fucking-K!"

Christine Sullivan: "Yeah... in a part hardly anyone remembers."

(Audience laughs as there's a pause)

Dan Fielding: "What color panties you wearing?" 

Judge Harry Stone: "Okay, Counsel, we're getting a bit sidetracked here. Dan, do you have an evidence to present the court?"
Dan Fielding: "Why, yes, I do. Exhibit A - we have an incoherent, nonsensical script that appears to serve no purpose other than to see how many different ways a translucent fish can hop out of a puddle and bite a person in half. A brain-dead monkey stoned out of his mind - or lack thereof I should say - could write a story better than this shit."
Christine Sullivan: "Objection, your Honor. Mr. Fielding's argument serves no purpose other than to belittle my client!"
Dan Fielding: "You're so sexy when you're angry."
(Harry's flipping through the script)
Judge Harry Stone: "Sustained... Although, I do see your point, Dan. This is really - just... wow. They're really scraping right through the bottom of that barrel for anything now... Bull, just what the hell did you see in this?"
Bull Shannon: "Well, sir, I just wanted the paycheck."
Judge Harry Stone: "Well, no shit, but you seriously better start taking back all the shit you gave me for doing Mother Goose Rock 'n' Rhyme."

Dan Fielding: "Long story short, your Honor, Syfy has become desperate for ratings. So desperate they make two - I repeat, two, killer shark films within the span of two months."
Christine Sullivan: "Your Honor, if Mr. Fielding spent as much time researching this case as he does staring at my chest - eyes up here, Dan! - he'd know that my client, Mr. Burkett, has broken no laws. He followed the Syfy network bylaws by making sure the film included at least one former young TV star and one former washed up star from the 80's... No offense, Bull."
(Audience laughs as Bull slaps his hand against his forehead)

Judge Harry Stone: "Mr. Birkett, do you have anything to add?"

Paul A. Birkett: "I understand Ghost Shark is an acquired taste... but it's certainly better than having to put up with something like - I don't know - that Mel Torme horse shit."

Judge Harry Stone: "Did you just say Mel Torme?"

Paul A. Birkett: "Yeah, what about him? He's a horrendous blight on American culture. He'll never touch Barry Manilow."

Mac Robinson: "Oooooh, Harry, someone's stepped in some deep dog shit now."

Judge Harry Stone: "Okay, Mr. Birkett, I find you guilty and sentence you to one ass kicking, courtesy of me, out back and a fine of two black eyes and your teeth smashed into the back of your skull by way of my fist, all while I croon away to 'Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire'."
(Audience applauds as Harry gets up from his bench and rolls his robe sleeves up while Bull begins to drag Paul A. Birkett out the door)