Yeah, I ain't got the slightest clue. Dreamcatcher centers on a group of friends - Jonesy (Damian Lewis), Beaver (Jason Lee), Pete (Timothy Olyphant) and Henry (Thomas Jane) - on an annual hunting trip in Maine. Okay, that's about as simple as it gets and from there it just starts to get weird. So, apparently they all acquired telepathic powers as kids and back in the day they saved a retarded kid named "Duddits" (Donnie Wahlberg) from some bullies. Present day, they're on this hunting trip and they pick up this drifter that's sick as a dog and he eventually shits out this worm like alien (I'm not making this up) which kills Earl Hickey and possesses Sgt. Nicholas Brody and the possession somehow makes him talk like some Cockney gent ('Ello, Guvna!). Next thing you know, Morgan Freeman (yes, it really is him... Academy Award winner Morgan Freeman... I'm serious) and a pre-coked out of his mind Tom Sizemore (at that point in his career, showing up in anything's not surprising) show up as the military and Freeman just wants to go ape shit, but Sizemore's like that token "good soldier" and he goes with the Punisher to get Marky Mark's brother 'cause I guess he's the key to saving the world. I don't know. Just watch the film and see if you can figure out that mess better than I could.
There is absolutely only one reason to watch this dreck: witnessing so many high profile celebrities attempt career suicide. What's so amazing is that all the actors take this story, which is so ludicrous you have to see for yourself just how crazy it is - so seriously. There's gotta be special feature outtakes on the DVD that actually run longer than the film's 136 minute running time 'cause there's no way anyone could take this as seriously as they do here. It truly is a marvel to watch, and that little clip I showed you barely scratches the surface. I haven't gotten to the nonsensical plot, the cheesy special effects (yeah, we've come a long way since 2003, but the effects here make 1933's King Kong look like Inception) and the fact that this was written and directed by Lawrence Kasdan and co-written by William Goldman. Lawrence Kasdan and William Goldman... LAWRENCE KASDAN AND WILLIAM GOLDMAN!!!! Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Empire Strikes Back, The Big Chill, Body Heat, The Accidental Tourist, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Marathon Man, All the President's Men, The Princess Bride - those are just to name a few of the flicks they gave us. What the hell did they see in this? I've come to expect crap like this from Stephen King at this point, but two of the best film writers of the past 30-40 years? Did they get together and were like, "Dude, Lawrence, you're not gonna believe this. I just read Stephen King's new book... Oh my God, we gotta make this into a movie!" "Really, William, is it that good?" "Oh, yeah... Get this. The alien... One of the characters shits it out!" "... Get... the... fuck... out!!" "No, I won't. I won't get out. We're so doing this!" "Damn straight we are - oh, oh, oh! Wait! What about this?! I'm brainstorming! Hot damn! My mind's percolating! What if we gave the villain a Cockney accent?" "... Whoa... That is bitchin' awesome." "I know, right?" "It makes absolutely no sense, but hey, I'm so fucking baked right now, I'll agree to any idea you throw at me." "Hey, you think we should get one of the Wahlberg brothers?" "I was just gonna ask you the same thing... but get Donnie, Mark's career's going nowhere. I mean, did you see that Planet of the Apes remake?" "... Uh - yeah. I angrily demanded my money back. I'm not joking. I really did. I made the girl at the ticket counter cry, but I was furious. Maybe I shouldn't have threatened her though." "No, I don't blame you. I would've too. Good thing we won't have that problem, 'cause this story is gold. The plot's still a bit fuzzy, but the more pot I smoke, the more it starts to make more and more sense." Yeah, something like that. Luckily most everyone's been able to bounce back. Morgan Freeman's obviously Morgan Freeman. Jason Lee went on to do My Name Is Earl. Timothy Olyphant's doing Justified on FX. Damian Lewis has recently won both an Emmy and Golden Globe award for his work on Showtime's Homeland, and Thomas Jane... okay, not everyone. Don't even bother following the plot. I tried to when I saw it in theaters back in 2003, which almost caused me to blackout. Just sit back and watch the destruction unfold before your eyes.
No comments:
Post a Comment