The Room centers on three people... and about ten more that make absolutely no sense as to why they're there. Speaking of which, I bought a bacon and cheese Quarter Pounder today at McDonald's. So Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) is engaged to Lisa (Juliette Danielle). Did you know that I play four instruments? Yeah, I do. The downside, though, is that Lisa's attracted to Johnny's best friend Mark (Greg Sestero); however, I bought the new Doritos Locos Taco chips and - oh my God - they are so good! Lisa's mother advises her to do the right thing (marry Johnny for his money). That being said, I'm really gonna have to get the CD player installed in my car soon... Oh, hi, Mark. I didn't notice you were sitting right in front of me this whole time.
You're probably wondering if I dropped acid before typing, and the answer is no. You have officially gotten, courtesy of me, the CliffsNotes version of just what the hell this movie actually is. In a way, it reminded me of when I was in junior/senior high and coming up with a ton of movie script ideas - most of them shitty horror ones - and then all of sudden I'm like, "Okay, stop! I'm gonna make an intense drama centered on my high school friends! Yeah!" What results is a cheesy, overly melodramatic mess written by a fourteen year old who near the end of writing it goes, "Fuck it. I'm throwing a monster in there anyway." I'm gonna rundown for you every writing error, inconsistency, plot hole and head scratching moment this film provided. As Margo Channing would say, "Fasten your seat belts... It's gonna be a bumpy night."
1) What exactly is The Room?
2) No one, and I mean no one, knows how to have sex right. Either they missed Biology class, and (or) their parents completely dropped the ball on explaining the birds and the bees, but in the world of The Room, human copulation can be achieved by way of either the naval, hip and ironically anywhere that's not a vagina.
3) Seriously, what the fuck is up with Johnny's accent? It's like Christopher Walken and John Travolta had a baby that survived a botched abortion. At first, I wondered if he was really trying to do a very, very, very, very horrible accent for the movie... Then I looked up some interviews and, nope, he actually sounds like that.
4) Every time Mark is about to have sex with Lisa, he has to remind her, "No, I can't. Johnny's my best friend." - even after getting into a huge friendship ending fight with Johnny near the end. Could be guilt, or it could be a severe case of short-term memory loss... or it could just be shitty writing. Smart money's on the latter.
5) If you turn any moment whenever Johnny laughs, says hi, or a football gets thrown into a drinking game, you not only will develop a drinking problem, you will die of liver poisoning halfway through the film.
6) The football is literally the best actor in this movie.
7) When we first meet Lisa's mother, she mentions in passing that her tests reveal she does, in fact, have breast cancer, and that's the last we hear of it. Hey, I hate crying over spilled milk too, and what's the point of bringing up the nitpicky things over and over again, but wouldn't something like breast cancer be just a little bit higher up on the alert scale?
8) There's a moment where Denny, the young college kid that Johnny acts as a guardian for, explains to Johnny that he's in love with Lisa. It's not Johnny's nonchalant "oh, that's cool" reaction that left me with question marks over my head, it's when Denny then changes gears and mentions he's in love with some other girl and wants to have children with her that does. It's also not weird to Johnny that Denny likes to watch him and Lisa have sex.
9) Denny somehow owes drug money to a guy that threatens to kill him. Johnny and Mark show up, escort the guy away, and we never see him again. Did they take him to jail or what? If so, is the jail like next door to the room, 'cause Johnny and Mark show up again in what seems like seconds. Oh, and nothing is ever brought up about Denny's apparent drug problem again.
10) The editing in this film is so bad I'm wondering how the hell Eric Chase is still getting work even if it's for shitty low-budget horror films.
11) Seriously, no one in this film knows how to have sex.
12) Seriously, the football has a better chance at scoring an Oscar nomination than any other performer in this movie.
13) It just dawned on me that Lisa's mother's breast cancer probably refused to show back up again in this pile of shit.
14) A couple just shows up randomly at Johnny's house just to fool around.
15) Yes, that really does happen.
16) That same guy then explains to Johnny that he experienced a tragedy when his girlfriend exposed his underwear. How does it relate to the movie? Well, how does anything in this film relate to the movie?! I can see it now. "History Channel presents the greatest tragedies in world history: 5) Pearl Harbor... 4) 9/11... 3) The Bubonic Plague... 2) The Holocaust... 1) Mike has his underwear exposed."
17) Lisa explains to her mom that she not only no longer loves Johnny, she doesn't even like him. She then explains to her mom in the next scene that Johnny is a very generous and caring man... ????????
18) For being such a slut, Lisa is terrible in bed... just like everyone else.
19) So there's a character named Peter that shows up to give advice 'cause he's the psychologist friend, which annoys Johnny 'cause Peter's "always playing psychologist with us", even though he is a psychologist. Then we get him in two other scenes and that's that.
20) Mark tries to murder Peter in one scene while high on weed... Yep. Why this is happening is a good question, but an even bigger question to ask is if smoking weed really leads to fits of rage.
21) Despite trying to murder Peter, Mark just brushes it off with a calm "sorry". I guess sometimes sorry does cut it... even if it's for attempted murder.
22) The guys play football in their wedding tuxes. Is it the wedding? No, but I guess Wiseau wanted a scene with them playing football in tuxes... Yeah, your guess is as good as mine. That's the last we ever see of Peter... Oh my God... Maybe Mark did murder him?
23) The very next scene involves Johnny and Mark at a coffee shop where Johnny, after lecturing Mark that his business clients are a confidential matter, asks Mark how his sex life's going. Sounds reasonable.
24) After a while, some other guy shows up just advising Lisa out of the blue like I'm supposed to already know who the fuck he really is. Turns out, that guy is Peter re-cast, and Wiseau either forgot or was just too lazy to re-shoot the other scenes. He probably thought it'll make much more sense if the character gets renamed... No.
25) And to think this film could've definitely had a shot at "Benjamin's Stash" if only Wiseau re-shot those scenes. So much for your shot at an A+ !!!!
26) Pretty much none of the dialogue made any sense. Whether it's the random characters, nonsensical story transitions, and "Hey, who are they and how the hell did they get here?" moments, you will scratch the hair clean off your scalp. Inception and The Matrix now make total sense.
27) At the end of the movie, Lisa leaves Johnny for Mark, which leads to Johnny blowing his brains out... but not before what looks like him dry humping one of Lisa's dresses. That thirty seconds right there, though, made more sense than the rest of the movie did.
28) Lisa and Mark return to a dead Johnny - who, keep in mind, has just recently STUCK A GUN IN HIS MOUTH AND BLEW HIS BRAINS OUT!!!! - and they still somehow say, "Hey, Johnny, wake up!" It actually takes Mark sticking his hand underneath Johnny's blasted away head, rubbing his fingers around in some blood, pulling the hand back out and then studying his blood covered hand intently to decide that maybe he's not getting up. The blood means he's dead, dipshit.
I haven't even scratched the surface of this film, but I figure you'd get the picture anyway. This film is so all-around bad in every single aspect (acting, writing, directing, editing, cinematography, even the caterers probably fucked up somewhere too) you have to witness it. In fact, this needs to be shown in every film and writing course across America on what not to do. Unfortunately, Netflix doesn't have it in instant queue. However, if you go to Family Video, walk up to the entrance, then take a right at the entrance, walk around the building, then walk right up to the dumpster, you may find the remaining copies there. Plus, they might take pity on you so much they go, "Yeah, this one's on us."
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