The Starving Games

Cast of Characters:

Kantmiss Evershot - Maiara Walsh

Dale - Brant Daugherty

Peter Malarkey - Cody Allen Christian

Effoff - Lauren Bowles

President Snowballs - Diedrich Bader

Director - Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Screenplay - Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content, comic violence, language and partial nudity

      Friedberg  and Seltzer, the creators of Date Movie, Meet the Spartans and Vampires Suck, are back. This time they're taking on the critical and box office smash, The Hunger Games with The Starving Games... Time to get the boxing gloves out. I may have another punching bag coming my way.

      They're making it too easy now. Kantmiss Evershot (Maiara Walsh) is a highly skilled archer living in District 12. On the day of the 75th Annual Starving Games (Oh, now I get it), led by President Snowballs (Diedrich Bader), Kantmiss's sister has been chosen to participate in the games where you fight to the death. After excitedly gloating that she herself didn't get picked, Kantmiss decides to volunteer when her sister gives her the puppy dog eyes... Yes... That's right... puppy dog eyes.

      Once the games begin it's her and fellow District 12 citizen Peter Malarkey (Cody Allen Christian) fighting for their lives as the other contestants hunt each other down.

      ... Wow... just wow... I can't tell if Friedberg and Seltzer are this horrible at making movies or if this is just a ten year long joke that we're still not in on. Look at their resume. Scary Movie doesn't count 'cause they were just co-writers with the Wayans brothers. Look at what they've done on their own: Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie (which I didn't even know was made), and The Starving Games. They also have one out due next year called Superfast. They're batting .000. That's worse than Prince Fielder in the postseason. These two are like the filmmakers version of cockroaches. They just keep coming back and it's never any good. The acting is horrible, we get jokes like Kantmiss squatting and taking a dump 'cause I guess that's funny, and even something like the sound editing was garbage. Instead of going to the theater, I watched this at home through Video On Demand and I had to crank the volume up to 88 just to be able to barely hear it. Plus, like all spoofs nowadays, this is just another case of how many film and pop culture references we can fit into on movie, which are: Oz the Great and Powerful, Harry Potter, Dos Equis beer, Honey Boo Boo, Fifty Shades of Grey, Siri, Angry Birds, the "Double Rainbow guy", Avatar, Tim Tebow, Twitter, "Gangnam Style", Taylor Swift, The Hobbit, The Expendables, Chuck Norris jokes (which worked in the most recent Expendables film simply 'cause it was actually Chuck Norris saying it and not some lookalike saying it instead), and The Avengers. I mean, the very first scene had what looked to be an attempt at a joke with Kantmiss aiming her arrow at the sky, releasing the arrow and then somehow hitting the Wizard of Oz. How does that make any sense? Your guess is as good as mine, but it's not funny and it doesn't make any sense. Yeah, I get it, he's the Wizard of Oz, but what exactly is the point? Oh, I can't forgot the product placement they threw in with Apple, McDonald's, Nike and Starbucks. Move over, Mamet and Tarantino. I should also mention the great film editing they did where Kantmiss whistles the iconic Hunger Games theme and a bird craps all over her face. The camera cuts away to reveal Rudy (the film's version of Rue) motioning to Kantmiss, then cuts back to Kantmiss with a perfectly dry and clean face. Bravo, editing department! The point I'm trying to make is that this film is garbage, all the movies Friedberg and Seltzer have done before are garbage, and all the movie they continue to make are gonna be giant drops of horse shit garbage, yet there's gonna be some studio out there still dumb enough to write out a check for them and say, "Here ya go! Make another pile of shit for us!" Yes, there are more laughs to be found in Abraham Zapruder's home movie camera. I'm not talking about Parkland. I'm talking about the actual footage of the JFK assassination. I also think I giggled once during a moment of levity in 12 Years a Slave, which is a lot more than I can say for this. That should put all this into perspective for you.

      This is different from when I trashed Scary Movie V earlier this year, which was written by David Zucker. Zucker is capable of great things. Two of his movies, Airplane! and The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad, I consider to be two of the greatest spoofs in comedy history. He's also done other terrific films such as The Kentucky Fried Movie, Ruthless People, and the underrated Top Secret! Me criticizing him for doing a horrible, horrible, horrible! movie like Scary Movie V is like a parent disciplining their child. You know better than that, David. With Friedberg and Seltzer, this is like walking in on your wife fucking that neighbor you've always despised... for the sixth time, if we're going by they're entire filmography. It just makes you hate the son of a bitch all the more. I'm gonna pay homage to the late film critic Roger Ebert by quoting him from a review he did which is very fitting for this. "When it came time to write my newspaper review for this movie - I don't know, something just came over me. My fingers on the keyboard had little minds of their own. I was rolling along, writing my usual scathing, but civilized comments when suddenly a sinister inner-force took over and I found myself typing - and I quote, 'I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering, stupid, vacant, audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.'" ... Can't say it any better, Roger. I give The Starving Games an F (0 stars).

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