What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. Over the weekend, I kinda had a hard time figuring what to pick for today. Thank God for late night TV showings 'cause this popped up through the channel surfing and I remember years back when it first came out, it landed rather comfortably in a top 10 worst blog of mine... for good reason.

      Yep, at some point, Li-Lo would wind up here. In I Know Who Killed Me, Aubrey Fleming (Lindsay Lohan) is trying to move on from having once been abducted by a horrible serial killer, but the psychological and physical (the loss of a hand and leg) scar reminders make that easier said than done for her. While Aubrey's parents, Susan (Julia Ormond) and Daniel (Neal McDonough), are ecstatic to have their little girl back, a wrench in the cogs comes along to piss on their parade in the form of that girl who returned claiming another identity - Dakota (also Lohan). Dakota exhibits a wholly different personality and mannerisms than Aubrey did (meaning she's a slut), and has no idea who this Aubrey person is. After the authorities find a short story on Aubrey's laptop about a girl known as "Dakota", Dakota becomes convinced that she's Aubrey's twin sister... This is the sequel to The Parent Trap that we've all been waiting for.

      Have you ever heard the term "A wolf in sheep's clothing"? This aptly describes this movie considering it's a laughable disaster of a movie disguised as a Silence of the Lambs type thriller. When I say disguised, though, I mean the wolf is wearing nothing else, but just stands in front of you going "baa". I kid you not, there's a scene where Lohan is running away from the killer and the charge on her prosthetic leg is running low. That's one hell of an inconvenience. Hey, technology, Ted Kaczynski was right, just saying. I know. A lot of you hormone raging, puberty infested youngsters are thinking, "What? Lindsay Lohan as a slutty stripper? Aww, hells to the yeeeeeah!" Well, stop right there. This isn't the cute Mean Girls Lohan. This is Lohan right around the time the squirrels dancing up inside her head decided that juggling knives would be a pretty fun idea. Obviously trying to shed her Tween Queen Disney image, Lohan shoots for the moon in doing so, yet manages to bypass the moon and head clear out of the Milky Way... in the worst way possible. If you don't believe me. Just watch the sex scene she has. It's almost as awkward to watch as it appears to have been for the two performing the scene. The only thing worse than Lohan's acting here is her ability to strip, which inexplicably doesn't happen. What a prude. I'm not saying I salivate like an open hydrant when a scantily clad woman walks by, but those men hounding over you in the strip club desperately went out of their way to have their paycheck cashed out in ones for you. The least you could do is remove an article of clothing. Is it complex like it tries to be? If by complex you mean just how confounded you are as to how this film got green-lit, then yes, it's complex. It's also laughably written and horrendously shot. "Do I look like I'm in a fucking coma?!", Lohan snarls. Nope, but I sure as hell wish I was.