Snake Island centers around a group of tourists that were hoping for an African resort, but instead (with deep, booming voice for trailers) "They got... Snake Island." Snake Island is this remote island with a questionable history... and it's full of snakes. I know what you're thinking. You're not only gonna get thrills and chills, you're also going to get a highly educational film experience about the nature of these reptilian creatures. So you got the two central guys, Jake Malloy (Wayne Crawford), a tour guide, and Malcolm Page (William Katt), a Michael Crichton type author researching his next book. Once the snakes start ganging up on the people (which they don't, by the way... hate to nitpick), it's up to those two to rise up and save the day. Is there a backstory? Yeah, but who gives a shit? You came here to see snakes... and you came to see them kill people.
Okay, so I have a confession to make. I was expecting to totally trash this film, but by the end of the movie, I gotta say I actually kinda enjoyed it... Nah - I'm just fucking with you. This film is total dog shit. Looking kinda like it had a budget of five bucks and whatever spare change the cast and crew could pull out of their pockets, Snake Island is kinda like Anaconda and Snakes on a Plane (two entertaining, self aware films), that is, if you took away the great cinematography, the solid casts, the laughs, and basically anything good about either film. Plus, as far as Snakes on a Plane goes, wouldn't you too have it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane? There are some terrible films where it gradually builds up to its terribleness bit by bit. With this film, from the very first line of spoken dialogue, you right away go, "Oh, yeah... This film is gonna be shit on epic levels." The acting was so bad I actually started to wonder if this was one of those Showtime/Cinemax late night movies where even the sex scenes look bad (it's just the girl grinding on the bed sheet with the guy sitting behind her). The direction was - well, bad. The script appears as if it was written by a twelve year old... with Down Syndrome. The special effects probably had a budget of fifty cents, and the film takes itself so seriously I ended up laughing unintentionally more than any other film that had me laughing intentionally. If I end up doing a Top 10 Comedy list someday, Snake Island could very well, inadvertently, wind up at the #1 spot. There is actually a moment - I kid you not - at the beginning where a Cobra slithers its way onto the cruise ship. Everyone's freaking out and asking, "Is it poisonous?!" Keep in mind, this is Cobra. Then the main character, A TOUR GUIDE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING EXPERT ON SNAKES!!!! says, "I don't know. Probably not." Once again, that was a Cobra, which is one of the most venomous snakes in the world... so yeah, probably not. Then come a few scenes later he spots two dead snakes mangled beyond recognition and without skipping a beat goes, "Yep, that there's a Green Mamba and that one's a Gaboon Viper." Come on. Either you're a dumb ass or not. Make up your mind. Then there's a moment mid-way through where it gets so bizarre I could be so high out of my mind I'm on the dark side of the moon and I'd still be wondering, "What the hell are they going for here?" Actually, I just described the whole film. If anything, this will make you laugh, even if it wasn't the film's intention. The writers were even kind enough to throw in the big "scientific explanation" in the second act that even a toddler could point out, "Yeah... that's not right." The fact that these are grown adults starring in this makes it even funnier. It certainly makes me believe that this was in fact written by the twelve year old kid of the director who probably went to his friends and was like, "Hey, my kid wrote this, so we're gonna make it... How much money do you all have on you?"
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