What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. It'll be a busy week here.  I have four movie reviews coming including the new Hugh Jackman film The Wolverine. I'll also have Part IV to my "Top 50 Movies of All-Time" series up tomorrow. First, though, it's time for "What the Hell Were They Thinking?!" This week's a good one. I just heard about it from a coworker last week and decided to look it up On Demand. Lo and behold, there it was. Syfy channel has pulled through once again!

      Sharknado aka Twister Meets Jaws aka Syfy's Really Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel Now stars Ian Ziering (aka curly hair/mulleted guy from Beverly Hills, 90210) as this guy that owns a bar in Los Angeles. He's got this hot chick as a waitress 'cause films like these require at least one hot chick that runs around saving the day. Plus Kevin McCallister's dad (John Heard) is a loyal customer (aka a drunk), despite actually living miles away from the place (that's dedication). So all of a sudden these waterspouts start forming nearby and hey, look at that, they're picking up sharks and just flinging them across the boardwalk. Naturally, people will die 'cause of this. Not taking any shit from these sharks, curly hair/mulleted guy from 90210, hot chick who's name I don't know and don't really care, Kevin McCallister's dad (the quintessential trifecta of any film like this: former hit TV star, that one guy in many huge-hit movies from the late 80's and early 90's... and the hot chick), plus another unknown guy (they're usually in there solely to be the guy that sacrifices his life for the rest of the crew) rise up... look death square in the eye... and pick up Tara Reid? Seriously, out of all the people you could save, you go for this whiny bitch?

      Obviously, I can't beat this film over the head too much. I think even Syfy knew they had a giant piece of crap in their hands (they either never watch any of their movies or they're that ignorant if they don't). A film like this is guaranteed to deliver another trifecta: horrible acting, horrible special effects... and a story written by a twelve year old with Down Syndrome (see last week's Snake Island post). I actually think John Heard wasn't acting, but was really drunk in his scenes. Maybe his own way of drowning out any thoughts like, "How the hell did I go from such big hits like Big, Home Alone, Awakenings, and The Pelican Brief... to this?" Tara Reid is obviously horrible here. I will give her credit though. She went the entire duration of a movie without once asking for a drink. "Like, oh my God, my tongue is like - you know - so like thirsty. I like need like some like booze!" Oh, how could I forget the token "dickhead new boyfriend"? You know, the one that right from his very first line of overacted, spoken dialogue you're thinking, "Oh, yeah... this guy's gonna die in... T-minus ten seconds." The plot holes are so big you could drive a Boeing 747 carrying a space shuttle... carrying an 18 wheeler... dragging an earth mover through it. The acting is bad and in Tara Reid's case like nails on a chalkboard. My respect for the Coen brothers increased even more than what it was already at. How they were able to make her look good in The Big Lebowski is downright miraculous. The special effects are horrible, but you'll get more than a good laugh out of them. It's already been confirmed that a sequel is in the works. Hey, when you have a working budget of only 15-20 bucks, why the hell not?