Hellbound... Chuck Norris vs. Satan = F. T. W. What's the plot? Who really cares? It's Norris fighting a demon... but since I'm typing this with extreme fear and caution as to not saying anything too negative, I'll tell you anyway. Satan's emissary, Prosatanos (Christopher Neame) was once stopped, during the Crusades by King Richard I. The source of his power, a golden scepter, was shattered by the king into nine pieces, each piece hidden in nine holy places around the world. Locked away in a subterranean tomb, Prosatanos is finally inadvertently released centuries later by some grave robbers, but he's about to meet his match in Detective Frank Shatter (Chuck Norris). With all nine pieces of the scepter now in Prosatanos's hands, it'll be Bad vs. Badass as Shatter fights him in order to save the world.
Come on. There's only one reason to see this film: Mr. Carlos Ray Norris. Two reasons, actually, if you count the horrendous acting performance by apparently John Malkovich's retarded twin brother as the demon. Take Norris out of this film and you have just another generic early 90's cop film with a soundtrack straight out of the 80's (e.g., the cheesy lounge jazz music playing in the background as Norris charms the hell out of the lead woman... Not that there's another thing wrong with that. I'm sure Mr. Norris has excellent taste in music). The dialogue was probably written by an eight year old ("Shit! His heart his gone!" "No, it's not. It's right over there."), it's hard for the villain to be all that intimidating when he looks more like the world's biggest WWE fan, and there's the clip I posted above where Norris goes gun happy on a suspect and when he's finally in custody, Norris still beats the shit out of him, simply 'cause... well 1) Do I really need to explain why? and 2) What do you expect from a cop with the name FRANK SHATTER? Oh, and Norris's choice of wardrobe leads me to believe he was actually conned into thinking this was a remake of Miami Vice and he was the lucky man cast as "Sonny" Crockett. Something tells me whoever was in charge of the wardrobe choices was subsequently roundhouse kicked to death. If anything, this movie's good for a number of Norris jokes you'll make while watching it. I mean, for God's sakes, the man can't act worth a shit and we all know his film career is nothing more than a jok... asdflllllllllllllllf346104riafjadfj;kldsdfgbhvfyctxdzr... ^%$2... asdkjklwe... !#@$YDFSDF... sdfjkcvmker...
I apologize for that. That was my head being repeatedly slammed into the keyboard by some strange force. I take back everything bad I ever said about this movie. I thoroughly enjoyed the engaging and complex story. The acting was award worthy, and - uh - anything else, sir? Oh... okay... I give Hellbound an A++++ .
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