What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

      Hello, readers. It's time for October Horror Month to take its third dump in the can. This week's pick is a little cult film from 1997 that, for the sake of your children's innocence, should not be confused ever with the Michael Keaton family film of the same name.

      Hey, get it?! He said axed instead of ask! Jack Frost manages to do the unthinkable by ruining both Halloween and Christmas at the same time. Jack Frost (Scott MacDonald) is a serial killer who has been sentenced to death by electric chair. He swears revenge on Sheriff Sam Tiler (Chris Allport) - who arrested him - but on his way to the execution the snowy weather causes the prison truck to collide with a tanker that contains some genetic materials. Jack manages to break free, but only temporarily as he is doused with acid from the tanker. His body and bones melt into the snow and he is then transformed into a killer snowman... I'm gonna need MythBusters to run that one through their workshop 'cause it seems highly unlikely. Either way, would you like me to explain more?

      The special effects, or lack thereof, here define low budget; in fact, I'm wondering if Jack Frost was either a crappy CGI effect or just three giant styrofoam balls glued together. There are moments where it does appear to be an effect, but only in such a way that would make you believe you're watching a character you made up yourself while watching a Christmas episode of Gumby high on LSD. Most of the cast plays it straight and serious and in a film about three balls of snow with two eyes made out of coal on a murderous rampage, you expect nothing less. We get the 10 millionth FBI agent to act like a dickhead to the local law enforcement and, of course, there's gotta be that "one guy" that shows up to try and squeeze out any rational scientific explanation that he can get out of what happened with Frost. It had something to do with the soul being a chemical and the acid was gonna be used to contain DNA in case of a nuclear holocaust. I'm not sure, but it made a whole lot of sense. Oh, I love it when movies like this try and whip out the "explanation" to disastrous results. It's like witnessing the pipsqueak junior higher get pissed at one of the senior jocks (Fargo, The Godfather, Memento, pretty much any other movie), try and throw a punch at him, only to have the jock give him a major wedgie over the head, dunked head first in the toilet for a swirly, then stuffed in his locker. Scott MacDonald seems to be the only one going for broke as over-the-top as he gets. It's like he went, "Fuck it. I'm getting paid anyway.", then snorted some coke and read his lines in such a way that would make Robin Williams appear like Ben Stein. All the while, the producers wait 'til after his lines are read and recorded before telling MacDonald he's not getting paid 'cause, as I said earlier, the film had absolutely no budget. Well, they did, but they spent it on the bitchin' visual effects to create the killer snowman. Jack Frost is good for a number of unintentional laughs which you will get from viewing this. If anything, you can see Shannon Elizabeth in the first film she ever starred in... where she got raped and murdered by a snowman. I guess some will do anything to become a star and boy, did it pan out well for her. I had no idea Frosty could get so horny, but that explains the "Thumpetty thump thump" lyric. You'll never look at carrots the same again either.